President Donald Trump and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell in the Rose Garden following a lunch meeting at the White House in Washington, D.C., on Oct. 16, 2017
Photo: Chip Somodevilla (Getty Images)

I really want this punk-ass president to stop believing that he’s a superhero. It’s one thing to ask teachers to carry guns, but it’s a whole other thing to make believe that you’re a tough guy when you were born a whole bitch.

President Donald Trump said Monday that he would have charged into the Parkland, Fla., school during the shooting even if he’d been unarmed.

“I really believe I’d run in there even if I didn’t have a weapon,” Trump told governors who were meeting at the White House to discuss school safety, NBC News reports.

Bitch, please.

If the president of PumpFake, Neb., is so ’bout it, how about he ditch the security and save taxpayers some money? How about he come to Chicago to talk about gun violence? How about he come to a news station that isn’t Fox News to discuss his broken-down and ineffective policies?

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The president has always been a bitch. It’s the reason that real decorated war hero Sen. Tammy Duckworth (D-Ill.) refers to the president of lower two states—looking at you, Georgia and Florida—as a “five-deferment draft dodger” and “cadet bone spurs.”

Trump is not tough. In fact, he’s not even remotely tough. Trump is the dude who comes to the basketball court in a full official NBA shorts set to talk about how, when he was younger, he used to dunk on guys, but he never plays. He’s the guy at the barbershop who claims that he’s slept with every woman but who everyone knows is really lonely. He’s the guy who goes golfing and cheats.

Seriously, it’s one thing to add a little Lawry’s to your stories when you’re sitting in the barbershop or on the basketball court; it’s another to tip a trough of seasoning onto a national tragedy when you’re the president. This is a time for grieving, and I wish someone would yank the president’s comb-over and hip him to how to behave. Now isn’t the time for this male-bravado bullshit while Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School students are still struggling to make it to class.

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Seventeen students and teachers were mercilessly gunned down, and the president has not only defended the National Rifle Association, guns, gun owners and NRA spokespeople but has also called for some teachers to be trained in taking down a school shooter. And now he’s playing cowboy behind his Secret Service.

Cut the shit, draft dodger.

And Trump didn’t stop there. He also bashed the armed officer who didn’t rush into the building to confront the shooter when he heard the shots. He called the officer’s actions “frankly disgusting” and criticized several deputies who failed to immediately enter the school, telling the governors that the law enforcement officers “weren’t exactly Medal of Honor winners.”

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How dare Trump criticize the police officer who didn’t run into the school to take down the shooter! The officer could’ve saved lives and he froze up. It happens, and I know that this man is going to beat himself up way more than the president tried to on Monday. He’s already resigned from the force. But I don’t know what’s more cowardly—not running into the school when you hear shooting, or beating someone up after the fact when you haven’t done one remotely heroic thing in your life.

If anything, the officer’s inaction should be proof that the president’s harebrained Acme scheme of arming teachers is really fucking stupid. If an armed officer couldn’t confront the shooter, then what makes the president think that a teacher would? But this is what happens when you’ve lived a lily-white, privileged life on your father’s fortune and never had to really fight for anything: You craft idiotic policies and criticize those in action because, well, that’s what punks do.