Politics
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Trump Rage Tweets That He’ll ‘Close The Southern Border Entirely’ If He Doesn’t Get Money For His Wall
The wifi signal in the presidential dungeon was at full strength Friday morning as the president woke from his slumber, slaughtered a baby goat, gulped down a warm cup of baby goat blood (it really gets the hate juices flowing) and still had time to rage tweet that he’s going to shut down the entire…
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Donald Trump’s Attorney Rudy Giuliani Accuses Special Counsel Robert Mueller of Destroying Evidence
“President” Donald Trump and those around him know that the Mueller investigation is swiftly closing in on him. As those who were formerly associated with him go down in flames as a result of the investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election, more evidence seems to drop that points to the given conclusion:…
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Trump Bragged to Troops About a 10 Percent Pay Raise He Never Gave Them
After being shamed into visiting the troops around Christmastime, President Artie Lange’s Coke Nose boasted to American troops in Iraq about the 10 percent pay raise he fought for to make sure soldiers were taken care of because had it not been for a doctor writing a bogus bill of health to keep him out…
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The Shutdown Could End Tomorrow But Dealing With Trump Is Like Negotiating With a Criminal
Before taking office, President Donald Trump shouted from the rafters about his ability to get deals done. He truly sold white America on his business acumen and ability to seal the deal. Now we all realize that his business methods are equivalent to a goon holding a debtor’s kids in a seedy basement until he…
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Claire McCaskill Hates on Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez From Outside Congress Because She Can’t Even Get In
In a move that definitely does not make her an abject motherfucking hater, now-former Sen. Claire McCaskill has shared that she’s “confused” about Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez being “the thing.” According to CNN, in a thinly veiled attempt to give Ocasio-Cortez “advice” during an exit interview—a classic inroad to being a shady asshole—McCaskill (D-Mo.) stated that…
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Donald Trump Tells the Grinch to Hold His Beer: National Christmas Tree Unlit Due to Government Shutdown
The national Christmas tree in Washington, D.C., stood lightless and listless on Christmas Day, a casualty of the partial government shutdown, sending sectors of the country into a whirlwind of delays, stoppages and emergency adjustments to holiday plans. According to the Associated Press, several national parks had closed as a result of the government shutdown…
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Donald Trump Finally Got Off His Ass and Visited Troops in a Combat Zone for Christmas
Your “president” is trash. There are myriad reasons why, but to outline them all, we’d have to be here all day. Let’s just focus on the most recent and relevant example. It has become a presidential tradition to visit the troops at Christmas. It was something George W. Bush started in 2003 when he visited…
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Either Trump’s Daddy Helped Him Dodge Draft or ‘Bone Spurs’ Is the Medical Diagnosis for Cowardice: Report
It is well-known that Donald Trump suffers from the debilitating disease bitchniccaitis, which prevents him from performing presidential duties such as firing his staff in person or standing up to Vladimir Putin. Because of his illness, it took him nearly two years to visit U.S. soldiers in a war zone, and a recent flare-up of…
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Trump Gives Defense Secretary James Mattis the Boot 2 Months Early, as Told by Beyoncé Lyrics
“To the left, to the left Everything you own in the box to the left…” Days removed from being on the receiving end of one of the best reads in recent memory, our soon-to-be former Secretary of Defense James Mattis came home to find his Nikes on the curb and his car engulfed in flames…