Politics
-
Trump Sends Bubble-Gut Tweets as Impeachment Vote Looms
Whenever Trump is sending out massive amounts of tweets—which usually include retweets of far-right-wing bloggers praising him and calling for him to play Maverick in the reboot of Top Gun—you know that Trump is losing. This is what he’s done his entire presidency. So on the day that a vote is expected to call for…
-
Trump Sends Savage Letter to Nancy Pelosi That’s Full of Lies and Exclamation Points
So Trump didn’t come before the House committees during the impeachment inquiries and most likely won’t appear in front of the Senate to answer questions regarding his phone call with the Ukrainian president, which absolutely included Trump withholding aid in exchange for an investigation into dirt on political rival Joe Biden and his son Hunter,…
-
Sen. Mitch McConnell Doesn’t Want Dems to Call Witnesses During Impeachment Trial Because He’s a Whole Bitch
On Tuesday, Sen. Mitch “Turtleneck” McConnell (R-Ky.) continued his mission to ruin the impeachment proceedings in the Senate by rejecting Democrats’ demands to have four White House officials called as witnesses because Mitch McConnell is a whole bitch. Here’s what we know is happening: On Wednesday, the House is most certainly going to vote to…
-
Pete Buttigieg Is (Also) Lying About His Age
I was tempted to begin this by saying I’m ashamed to admit that I haven’t been paying much attention to the Democratic presidential nominee horserace, but I didn’t say the thing I’m saying I didn’t say, because it would have been a lie. I am neither ashamed to admit that nor even incrementally approaching shame.…
-
Masochist Rudy Giuliani Continues to Punch Himself in the Balls, Claims He Needed US Ambassador to Ukraine ‘Out of the Way’
Rudy Giuliani continues to be the Scrappy-Doo to Trump’s Scooby. In a recent interview, the former mayor of New York City and the president’s personal lawyer admitted that in order to dig up dirt on Democrats, he needed to get the U.S. ambassador to Ukraine removed. Luckily, Giuliani told this to a really small-time magazine…
-
Hundreds of Thousands of Voters Purged From Rolls in Wisconsin; Issues Crop Up in Ohio and Georgia
A Wisconsin judge ordered the state’s Elections Commission to strike more than 200,000 voters from its rolls after they did not respond to a mailer asking them to verify their address within 30 days. The decision may force the crucial swing state to throw out hundreds of thousands of registrations before the 2020 election (the…
-
House Judiciary Committee Report: Trump ‘Betrayed the Nation’
In news that will only be shocking to 53 percent of Rebeccas that voted for their lord and savior, the House Judiciary Committee said that Russia’s most entrenched bedbug did, in fact, betray America by being an absolute albatross and spineless sack of pig vomit. On Monday, the House Judiciary Committee released a scathing report…
-
Warren Takes a Tumble, Biden Is Ready to Rumble and Patrick Continues to Bumble: 2020 Presidential Black Power Rankings, Week 20
I’m here with you, but I’m not here FOR you… No truer words in politics have ever been said, according to Marcus Ferrell, fellow permanent Black Power Rankings judge (and former head of African American Outreach for Bernie Sanders 2016). We talked about this concept of who we’re with versus who we’re for after he…
-
Trump’s Thirsty Ass Loves an Audience, So Why’s He Acting Like He Won’t Attend Next Year’s General Election Debate?
There are only three things President Trump loves more than a captive audience and a camera: women not named Melania, a smoothie made of goat’s blood and venom, and his son, Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-Fla.). So the president can kill it with his pump-faking antics like he won’t be attending next year’s presidential debates. On…