If reincarnation is real, I hope that I come back as a cheetah or a jaguar or some other fast and sexy jungle cat after I die. I already enjoy yawning, taking long naps and watching Animal Planet, so I imagine the transition wouldnโt be too stark.
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If I cannot be one of those things, though, my second choice might be to be a mediocre white man, just so that I finally know how it feels to never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever take responsibility for anything bad that happens to me.
Itโs too late to come back as Paul Smith, former chief of the Muse Township Volunteer Fire Department in Cecil, Pa. (which is in Washington Countyโapproximately 45 minutes south of Pittsburgh), since heโs already alive and shit. But he would have been a perfect host!
Smith made national news this week after posting on Facebook that Mike Tomlin โjust added himself to the list of no good niggersโโa reaction to Tomlinโs decision to keep the Steelers in the tunnel during the national anthem before their game against the Bears. And just in case he was unclearโor perhaps was temporarily compromised by an arbitrarily racist ghostโSmith followed that statement with another sentence: โYes I said it.โ
Smith eventually resigned yesterday. And in a statement to the Pittsburgh Post Gazette, he blamed his predicament on the media for dragging his โfire company and township into this as well as my family.โ Which is like blaming the security camera after youโre caught shoplifting.
He redeemed himself later in his statement. And by โhe redeemed himself later in his statement,โ I mean, โHOLY FUCKING SHIT, THIS GUY WAS IN CHARGE OF FIGHTING FUCKING FIRES???โ
โI regret what I said deeply and I am not the racist the media portrays me as,โ Smith said.
In a 10-word-long span, he managed to double down on the media-bogeyman thing while also making clear that while he is a racist, heโs not the grade of racist heโs been accused of being. Heโs a little racist, sure. He watches Americaโs Got Talent and refers to Tyra Banks as โdarkie tits.โ And sometimes, when heโs grilling, he stacks the charcoal cubes in a cross instead of a pile. He basically has the racism sniffles. Nothing that a little Airborne wouldnโt fix.
But heโs not, like,ย racist racist. That would be uncivilized.
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