Illustration for article titled Pete Buttigieg and Sen. Bernie Sanders in Tight Race for 1st in an Iowa Caucus That Has Been a Damn Disaster
Photo: Win McNamee (Getty Images)

First off, Iowa is white as hell. Secondly, I don’t even know why Iowa matters but it does and it’s the first election of the presidential primary season, so the numbers matter, but I’m getting a little tired of Iowa being a thing when the Democratic Party is owned by black women. So please stop trying to Terry Crews them out of the picture. Also, Iowa is white AF so it feels a little disingenuous to make the first race to determine who is leading the pack a state that is 90.28 percent white and 3.51 percent black.

Nevertheless, the Iowa results look like they are finally coming in and former South Bend, Ind., Mayor Pete Buttigieg, aka “Wine Cave,” is holding a slight lead over Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders, aka “I drive Uber to offset my Social Security shortage despite being a millionaire because nothing says socialist like a bank account full of money.” 

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As of early Thursday morning, with 97 percent of Iowa’s precincts reporting, “the former mayor remained the leader of the race, with 26.2 percent of state delegates. He’s closely trailed by Sanders, with 26.1 percent.

They’re followed by Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren at 18.2 percent, former Vice President Joe Biden at 15.8 percent and Minnesota Sen. Amy Klobuchar at 12.2 percent,” CNN reports.

The full results are expected sometime Thursday morning but the entire process has been a clusterfuck of epic…

Wait, da fuq? Biden comes in fourth? Did I mention that the Iowa caucus is an accurate predictor of things to come? Did I note that the word “caucus” comes from the Latin word “Caucasian,” which is basically shorthand for “white AF?” (Editor’s note: This isn’t true, but...it’s true for Iowa.) Did I mention that Joe Biden, the man who single-handedly ended racism while perpetuating racism when he defeated neighborhood rabble-rouser Corn Pop, was in fourth?! JV Donald Trump is feeling the Bern—or the wine headache! Reports out of a made-up television network claim that after learning that he was in fourth place, Biden allegedly ordered a staffer to his private quarters to retrieve a jewelry box. Biden then opened the box and placed gold rings on all of his fingers and proceeded to beat a baby panda until the cries of “Stop, Joe. That’s enough!” sprung him back to reality.

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New Hampshire residents reportedly were annoyed that a state like Iowa was receiving all the love, so they spoke with a manager and pointed out that they are actually whiter than Iowa, with 93.9 percent of their residents being white and 1.1 percent being black. Because Buttigieg is leading in the Iowa caucus, he’s already contacted New Hampshire to ensure that all eight black people who live there are sitting behind him during his speech.

There will be a primary in New Hampshire on Tuesday and “on Wednesday and Thursday, eight candidates are participating in CNN town halls. And on Friday, the leading contenders will meet for a debate,” CNN reports.

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Iowa is still counting, which leaves just about any hope for a fair and true 2020 election in the dust. Like WTF, Iowa? You had one job and an app that was apparently worse than the first edition of Limewire.

But that didn’t stop Buttigieg from reflecting on what his Iowa caucus numbers meant for his campaign“as the first top-tier gay candidate in a major political party.”

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“This validates for a kid somewhere in a community wondering if he belongs or she belongs or they belong in their own family, that if you believe in yourself and your country, there is a lot backing up the belief,” he said, CNN reports.

Because Biden can’t stop reflecting on the night he beat down legendary bully Corn Pop in a man-dance of fisticuffs, all of his talk included boxing analogies.

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“We took a gut punch in Iowa,” Biden told a crowd Wednesday morning in Somersworth, N.H., CNN reports. He also vowed to “fight for this nomination.”

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

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