If you’ve ever wondered to yourself, “Who is the person who makes Kellyanne Conway look less like a corpse?” Or, “Who makes Sarah Huckabee Sanders look less like a goofy troll-like succubus?” Well, I have the answer: It’s the White House’s full-time hair and makeup artist, Katie Price.
That’s right. President Donald Trump’s White House has a full-time face beater who’s paid with taxpayer money to try to make these goblinlike creatures look less devilish.
According to Politico, Price is officially listed as a production assistant, but her true talents lie in beating the faces of people who look like their faces have already been beaten.
Politico notes that Price is the gift that Anthony Scaramucci-Mane, the communications director who lasted a full 11 days, left behind in his turnstile entrance and exit of the White House.
“Sarah, if you’re watching, I loved the hair-and-makeup person we had on Friday,” he said on the air. “So I’d like to continue to use the hair-and-makeup person.” Scaramucci-Mane was gone shortly after this, but the administration kept Price on full time.
Who knows how much Price actually makes, since her salary won’t be revealed until the White House releases public payroll records (assuming that it will release these records, because you never know with this shady-ass administration) in the summer. Politico does note that whatever Price is making, it’s fully funded by American-taxpayer money.
Apparently, Price has put her pancake makeup on the doughy dead-skinned faces of Vice President Mike Pence and communications staffers Raj Shah, Mercedes Shlapp and Hogan Gidley, in addition to Sanders and Mucci-Mane.
“For what it’s worth, Melania Trump’s spokespeople confirmed that she pays out of pocket for her stylist,” Yahoo! News notes.
This can’t be overlooked: Price, who at one time worked as a bridal makeup artist, has also worked with Meredith Vieira as well as for CNN and, get this, Russia Today, Yahoo! reports.
Bring me a makeup brush so I can start spelling out the obvious: the C-O-N-spiracy that is obviously happening here.
Look, God’s proof that evil won’t win, named Barack Obama, had officials in his camp pay for makeup out of their own pockets, but Yahoo! notes that Trump isn’t the first president to have a makeup person on staff.
“Makeup artist Lois Cassano worked for the George W. Bush administration for all eight years of his time in office, doing up the president, the vice president, Laura Bush, and any other officials and visiting heads of state who appeared on television,” Yahoo! notes.
“To help justify Cassano’s salary, the Bush White House incorporated her into the communications team,” Yahoo! continues. “She escorted guests into the office, helped with paperwork, and handled clearances for the press—makeup was just one line on her long list of duties. In Bill Clinton’s White House, there was no makeup artist, but as Politico notes, there were few 24/7 television news networks.”
We already know that the president has a tendency to overpay people he really likes—hell, Omarosa got a max salary just for warming up KFC and showing white people how to do the Cha Cha Slide at events.
Something tells me Price is making cake just for caking these doughy white-death-stricken faces with powder, but part of me can’t knock her hustle.