Illustration for article titled Now This Asshole Wants His Name on the Stimulus Checks Because He Loves Himself and You Should, Too
Photo: MANDEL NGAN (Getty Images)

It’s one thing to do something nice; it’s another thing to do something nice and then demand that you be acknowledged. But it’s a whole other thing to be the president of the people and send them the most minimal bailout you possibly can during a global pandemic and then hold that desperately needed money up so that you can have your name added to the check.

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I don’t hate many things but I hate everything about this administration. I hate this administration more than I hate parsley, and I will trash anything that has been even touched by parsley. Parsley is what happens when a homeless cheerleading boot and drug-addicted dandelion weed make a baby. I’m a part of a parsley haters Facebook group. I read articles like this one: 20 Things Only Parsley Haters Understand. And as much as I hate parsley, if the neglected weed from Satan’s boils were a person, it still wouldn’t join the Trump administration.

So as it stands, and it totally stands, President Donald Trump is insisting that his name appears on stimulus checks—a move that could hold up the already impossibly slow paper check process a few more days so his name can be added.

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According to CNN, paper checks are already expected to take months to get to those struggling with the economic stranglehold that the coronavirus pandemic has placed on the country, and now the Treasury Department has contacted the Internal Revenue Service to make sure the asshole’s name is added to the check.

The IRS assures CNN that the process won’t result in a delay.

“Thanks to hard work and long hours by dedicated IRS employees, these payments are going out on schedule, as planned, without delay, to the nation,” Jodie Reynolds, an IRS spokeswoman, told CNN. “The IRS employees are delivering these payments in record time compared to previous stimulus efforts.”

Senior officials reported that “President Donald J. Trump” would appear on the memo line, the first time a president has ever asked that this be done.

From CNN:

The news comes as the Treasury Department races to get coronavirus stimulus checks to tens of millions of taxpayers who haven’t authorized direct deposits — and could be waiting weeks for checks in the mail.

According to a House Ways and Means Committee memo, the paper checks will be issued at a rate of about 5 million per week, and it could take up to 20 weeks to issue them all. Individuals with the lowest incomes, based on adjusted gross income, will receive their checks first.

Trump had confidentially asked Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin if he could officially sign the checks, three administration officials told the Post.

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“No. Me sign? No. There’s millions of checks. I’m going to sign them? No. It’s a Trump administration initiative,” Trump said on April 3. “But do I want to sign them? No.”

That’s because he can’t sign the checks!

“The President, however, is not authorized to sign Treasury payments — a practice typically held by a government employee to protect the checks from politicization.”

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He wanted to sign those damn checks and was told no and then he switched the game up like, “OK, fuck it then, find out if I can have my name on them checks.” Because nothing says I don’t want my name on something like asking that your name be put on something.

A treasury official claims that the plan to have Trump’s name added to the checks had been in the works, but that sounds like bullshit since the “IRS’ information technology team, working remotely, received the news earlier Tuesday — and is now rushing to enact the change with a looming Thursday deadline to send the checks to be printed and issued,” CNN reports.

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This fucked up everything but why would Trump care about that when he’s made a career of having his name included on shit he has nothing to do with? This is just another Trump attempt to remind voters that he did something for them, while not acknowledging that he’s also done something to them. In typical Trump fashion, he wants all of the credit and none of the blame. It’s like he forgets that he’s the president so then he has to do something, no matter how annoying or venomous to remind himself that he is “king”.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

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