Illustration for article titled Noted Philosopher Marshawn Lynch Explains Self-Care in 90 Seconds or Less
Screenshot: Keith Jenkins (Twitter)

Marshawn Lynch is a goddamn national treasure.

Don’t debate me on this.

Marshawn Lynch knows what the lonely do at Christmas and who let the dogs out. Before the Avengers asked the Wakandans to help defeat Thanos, they went to Marshawn Lynch’s house but he was at the gym. Marshawn Lynch gave Popeyes his secret chicken sandwich recipe and the rest is history. When he was eight years old, Marshawn Lynch was in a gunfight...

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The gun lost.

The 33-year-old running back recently returned to the NFL for a playoff run after the Seattle Seahawks’ entire starting backfield was sidelined with season-ending injuries. But Lynch’s pursuit of a second championship ended on Sunday with a 28-23 loss to the Green Bay Packers.

Even though his dislike for press conferences is notorious, Lynch took some time to give some advice to young NFL players. Describing his three-game, four-touchdown feat as “solid,” the Bay Area native interrupted media members’ questions to offer some advice to young black athletes and, perhaps, all of us.

“It’s a vulnerable time for a lot of these young dudes,” Lynch began. “They don’t be taking care of their chicken...So, if it was me...If I had the opportunity to let these young sahabs know something, I’d say: ‘Take care y’all money, African, because that shit don’t last forever.’”

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Lynch continued:

Now, I done been on the other side of retirement and it’s good when you get over there and you can do what the fuck you want to. So, I’d tell y’all right now, while y’all in it: Take care of y’all bread so when y’all done, you can go ahead and take care of yourself.

So while y’all at it right now, take care of your bodies...Take care of y’all chickens...Take care of y’all mentals because, look, we ain’t lasting that long. I had a couple players that I played with that, you know, they no longer here no more. So, start taking care of y’all mentals, y’all bodies and y’all chickens and y’all will, you know, be able to walk away and y’all will… Be able to do what y’all wanna do.

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For those who aren’t well-versed in the Bayarabic dialect of African American Vernacular English, allow us to offer an annotated translation.

This is a sensitive time for many of these athletes, many of whom neglect their long-term fiscal responsibility that comes with so much money. As a veteran who set aside my NFL salary until retirement and lived off of my endorsement deals, allow me to share my perspective. If I had the opportunity to tell them anything, I would say: Play close attention to your money, young friend, so that you can prosper when your career is done.

I have been on the other side of retirement and it’s quite pleasurable to have the ability to enjoy your post-career life on your own terms. So, I advise that you take care of your money; take care of your bodies and pay especially close attention to your mental health. I have teammates who have passed on, so take care of yourselves mentally, physically and financially and you too can live your life on Beast Mode.

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This is our king.

Isn’t this the essence of self-care? This unapologetic but holistic approach to mind, body, and scratch is what made Marshawn Lynch one of the most beloved players of his era.

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Never forget that Lynch sat during the national anthem in support of Colin Kaepernick but stood for the Mexican national anthem. Remember when the heroic Skittles-eater said he’d rather see Kaepernick kneel during the national anthem than get murdered with his hands up? Do you recall when he tried to light a blunt with deceased Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis’ eternal flame? Or when he choreographed Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski’s touchdown dance while playing video games? Or that his high school yearbook photo looks like he wants to talk to you about his Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ? Or when he scored four touchdowns in high school and announced he was too broke to properly reward his offensive linemen?

Also, he can do this:

Though Lynch’s distilled life lesson is invaluable advice, it should be noted that it’s not original. I think a version of this same sentiment can be found in the Constitution. Or perhaps he’s paraphrasing the analects of Confucius. At the very least, it’s a Bible verse. I’m pretty sure that the first draft of the Sermon on the Mount contains the quote:

And he said unto them: Blessed are those who take care of their chicken, for those young sahabs shall inherit the earth

Ya Feel me?

—Real Niggalatians 3:16

Thus sayeth Beast Mode.

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.

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