The newly elected Black CEO in charge of the charity startup founded in a small Bethlehem manger before moving to its sprawling North Pole headquarters has issued a slate of groundbreaking policies that could result in a very unmerry Christmas for millions of children around the globe.
Although many people stupidly assume one person has run the outfit for thousands of years, the position has gone through many different Santas-in-chief. This year, for the first time, elves have selected a Black Santa to replace the outgoing Saint Nick. While decidedly less rotund, the new head of operations, Ahmad Reel Nicholas, is known for his infectious jolliness as well as his impeccable beard game. Of course, there are some elves who refuse to accept the new Santa. But the “Stop the Sleigh” movement won’t change the outcome of the elves decision.
“The last guy was utterly incompetent,” an unnamed elf told The Root. “He wanted to build a wall around the North Pole and spent most of his time playing golf at his resort, Mar-a-Igloo. Of course, he claims that the election was stolen and is even trying to subvert the final decision of the Elf-toral College.”
The Root has obtained internal documents circulated by the A. Reel Nick administration, outlining new directives for the 2020 holiday season. While the memos mostly concern COVID-19 safety protocol (because of climate change, the coronavirus hit the elf community really hard), the emails also reveal startling new changes to the Standard Appraisal of Natural Tolerance and Affability (SANTA) that makes the ultimate determination on whether a potential gift recipient is “naughty or nice.”
The new rules, in conjunction with Chief Operating Officer LaKeisha Claus’ commitment to diversity and inclusion, include changes such as:
- Ignoring racism now an act of “naughtiness”: Even if you didn’t call someone the n-word or discriminate against someone, the selection committee will consider everyone who was silent in the face of white supremacy as complicit.
- MAGAmuffins get coal: Any American who owns a MAGA hat or voted for Donald Trump will receive a lump of Kingsford Original charcoal. Those who attended rallies will get Match Light brand and have their stocking placed closer to the fireplace.
- Black Lives Matter policy: All peaceful Black Lives Matter rally attendees will be placed on a priority list for the Playstation 5. Boogaloo Boys, Proud Boys and manboy Tucker Carlson will get a free Switch—not the one made by Nintendo; the one that is manufactured by bushes.
- Anti-Maskers: Santa will not visit the homes of anyone who believe that not wearing a mask is a constitutional right. However, they will receive a special gift—the coronavirus.
- Christian conservatives: Santa has already made an early delivery for Fox News watchers—A Supreme Court handmaiden.
- Black children will get an early gift: News outlets have wrongly attributed your new superpowers to the Negro Solstice. That wasn’t Jupiter and Saturn aligning in the night sky, that was my new Xenon-nosed reindeer, Jamaal and Kareem. A circuit court sidelined Rudolph and Blitzen after Rudy Giuliani accused them of voting in Wisconsin. We are working on an appeal.
In an email to The Root, a spokesperson for Santa Claus issued the following statement:
In spite of the Trump administration’s denial of our application to the Personal Paycheck Program, we are dedicated to bringing joy and happiness to the world. But in light of recent events, we decided that we could no longer ignore the injustices and inequality around the globe.
We also remain committed to the cause of antiracism and, unlike those sorry bastards at Amazon who stole our distribution model, our workers have always paid a living wage. We have never discriminated on the basis of race, religion, gender or sexuality. However, we have adjusted our hiring policies and acknowledge our past role in anti-tall elf hiring practices.
We will do better.
While we decided to shift our focus to the Black children who face economic, political and social oppression every day, white children will still recieve the greatest gift of all:
My people perish for a lack of presents.
Scientists at the North Pole School of Stocking Stuffing Technology, one of the world’s few historically elf colleges and universities, say this new policy could solve the world’s water shortage if their white tears desalinization equipment passes inspection. Their project has been lauded by one of their most celebrated alumnus—Dr. Anthony Fauci.
The old Santa criticized the new policy as anti-white and condemned North Pole State’s basketball team (the Fighting Ho Ho Hos) for kneeling during the playing of “Silent Night.”
“I don’t care,” wept Jesus, when asked for comment. “That ain’t even my birthday.”