Have you ever wondered why the “alt-right” is obsessed with the term “white genocide”? Are you perplexed about the Trump administration’s obstinate insistence on snatching babies from the arms of parents and tossing them into makeshift concentration camps? Were you shocked to hear about the decline in Fox News viewers and Taylor Swift’s album sales?
Well, a new report by the University of Wisconsin’s Applied Population Lab might explain the Caucasian consternation behind the rise in police calls, the rants in the Whole Foods produce department and the Trump administration’s alt-right ethnic cleansing plan.
In 2016, for the first time ever*, more non-Hispanic white people died than were born in 26 of the 50 U.S. states, according to the University of Wisconsin’s Applied Population Lab’s new report: “White Deaths Exceed Births in a Majority of U.S. States.” (Personally, I think the name is a little too on the nose. It leaves no room for suspense. I would have named it something like: “Where’d All the Wypipo Go? A Hardy Boys Mystery.”)
*Native Americans might disagree with the phrase “first time ever.”
The report details the declining population of non-Hispanic whites in the United States, listing a few surprising facts, including:
- In 2016, white deaths exceeded white births in the entire nation as a whole for the first time in U.S. history.
- 56 percent of the U.S. population lives in states where the white births are less than the number of white deaths.
- In 2004, there were only four states where the white population was upside-down. By 2014, the number of states was still only 17.
- In 2016, whites accounted for 77.7 percent of all U.S. deaths but just 53.1 percent of births.
- Most of the white decrease (when the white birth-to-death ratio is less than 1) is in states along the coasts and in the South.
- Asian, Latino and black populations are not experiencing the same decline. In 2016, there were 4.9 Latino births for every Latino death, 3.9 Asian births for every Asian death and 1.7 African-American births for every African-American death.
Although the news may be disheartening for America’s white population, there are some positive statistics that were not pointed out in the report:
- The U.S. potato-salad satisfaction ratio has increased by 2.4 percentage points since 2000.
- White-on-white crime has declined, according to a fictional study by the National Institute of Things White People Say.
- The seasoning industry has experienced an economic boom.
- By 2045, the phrase “not all white people” will be more specific. Researchers in Wakanda University’s Department of Wypipology say it will evolve to “not Connor and Amber.”
- Tucker Carlson and Sean Hannity will have an audience of only 27 people by 2023.
Roseanne Barr, the owners of the NFL and representatives for Tomi Lahren could not be reached for comment. However, one official said he might have a solution to the problem.
“I’ll get back to you right after I put in an order for more bullets,” said the spokesman for an unnamed police department.
White Lives Matter.