I’ve heard that if you’re ever in a pinch and need to sub in something for vanilla extract, maple syrup will work just as well. Now we also know if you’re ever in need of—I don’t know, getting blindingly drunk and crashing your car into a pole but don’t have any actual booze—vanilla extract will do the trick!
WCNC reports that a Morgantown, N.C., man has been charged with a DWI after crashing his truck into a utility pole last Monday after allegedly getting sauced on four-and-a-half bottles of vanilla extract.
An officer on the scene said that he found Travis Williams in the front seat of his white Ford truck after the crash “slurring his speech and [with] a glazed look in his eyes.”
Glazed? You don’t say.
The officer then smelled strong wafts of vanilla coming from the car. A search turned up four empty bottles of the common baking ingredient, and another half-bottle on the 43-year-old Williams’ driver-side door. According to the police report, Williams’ vanilla binge was enough to drive his blood alcohol content up to 0.26, three times the legal limit.
I had absolutely no idea that getting nice off the ’nilla was a thing, so I hit up my spiritual adviser, Google. It turns out vanilla extract contains a hefty bit of ethanol (this is necessary to extract the flavors and smell from the vanilla bean)—about as much alcohol per volume as gotdamn Captain Morgan rum.
The police report that Williams owned up to drinking a near-deadly cocktail of vanilla extract and milk.
Mr. Williams, you’re wild. While your
cost-efficient (Edit: As the bakers and ’nilla sippers of Kinja have informed me, this is not a cost-efficient move at all, which gives us all one less reason that this man didn’t just buy a bottle of Evan Williams and stay his ass at home) drunken stupor certainly seems like it smelled divine, don’t let vanilla extract you from this earth, sir!
On top of his DWI, Williams has also been charged with speeding and an additional movement violation.
Read more at WCNC.