Early Friday morning, a brave citizen named Natasha Tynes boarded the Washington, D.C., Metro with her pockets and soul apparently overflowing with an abundance of fucks that she intended on disbursing throughout the day. Upon boarding, our brave Natasha spotted a black woman dressed in a Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority uniform, sitting alone, eating, which is obviously against the rules.
Now, you or I might have seen this scofflaw and presumed something stupid, like: “Well, maybe this black lady dressed in her work clothes is hungry.” But Natasha is better than us. Plus, we must remember that she bore the burden of being heavy-laden with supplemental fucks that she wanted to—no, had to—donate to the masses. So at that moment—in a situation when no one would have done so— Natasha decided to give a fuck.
Natasha warned the black woman who was blatantly committing the terrorist act of chewing and swallowing, that her actions were “unacceptable. But when the woman rightfully told Natasha to kick rocks and mind her own business, Natasha pulled out her phone, took a picture of the woman, and ran to Twitter:
Now, you or I might not understand the impetus for Natasha’s actions. That’s because you likely aren’t gifted with a mutated snitching gene like Natasha. She’s kinda like an X-Man. But instead of the ability to control the weather, shoot eye-lasers or retract adamantium claws without a manicure, Natasha’s tattletale has evolved to the point where she can summon anyone’s superior at any time. Her X-Man Name is SpeakToYourManageria X.
When the MTA replied, Natasha wouldn’t let the shit go. She executed the full snitch, not some non-superhero regular people complaint. This is because Natasha is an Informer, which is like a Caucasian Transformer.
Luckily a keen-eyed member of the Black Twitter Avengers spotted Natasha’s dustup and called her out:
Soon, black women on Twitter came to thank Natasha for her snitching powers. And when they found out that Natasha is an author who trumpets her minority status (I know, because her name is Natasha, I assumed she was black, too), of course, they got petty:
Let this be a lesson to you all.
If, by chance, you are ever tempted to call the authorities on a black person for doing something that absolutely affects no one, such as eating or inhaling oxygen, ask yourself these three questions:
- No, seriously. Why?
- What the fuck, man? Why?
And if you still don’t have a reasonable answer, find some business of your own, mind it, tuck your auxiliary fuck back in your pocket and save it for a more appropriate time, when you are supposed to give a fuck.
Of course, I searched Natasha’s timeline and she doesn’t have much to say about police brutality, racism or inequality. But a black woman eating?
Oh, she’ll runtelldat.