Mitch 'Turtle Face' McConnell Changes Tune, Pushes For Criminal Justice Reform Bill Vote

Illustration for article titled Mitch Turtle Face McConnell Changes Tune, Pushes For Criminal Justice Reform Bill Vote
Photo: Alex Wong (Getty Images)

Maybe the Conservative right is trying to play nice with the incoming Democrats taking over the house, or maybe because of Kim Kardashian (you know, the uber-famous basic white woman with the black add-on’s humanitarian efforts that freed unjustly incarcerated Alice Johnson), or maybe because it’s close to Christmas, but it looks like the criminal justice reform bill that was once not going to make it to the floor could be voted on by the end of the week.


According to CBS News, the love child of Droopy and the heralded tortoise who outraced the hare, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, said Tuesday on the Senate floor that he’s changing his position “at the request of the president and following improvements to the legislation that have been secured by several members.”

This most likely means that Trump either threatened to punch a baby dinosaur in the face or warned that he might lay McConnell upside down on his shell if the Senator refused to follow the commands of his master.


Just last month, McConnell, who doesn’t give a shit about the criminal justice system, said he wanted to use the last remaining time as a Republican majority (the House flips to Democratic control in January; the Senate will remain in Republican hands) to continue to push for more conservative-minded judges who just so happen to disproportionately sentence blacks and Latinos to higher sentences.

The bill has been a top-priority of Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner, and anyone who casually watches Keeping up With The Kardashians saw on the most recent episode that it was Kushner who was instrumental in helping free Alice Johnson.

On Friday, Trump tweeted:


CBS News notes that Kushner has also been making the rounds doing television interviews to push for the bill.

From CBS News:

The legislation would overhaul the nation’s criminal sentencing laws, boost rehabilitation efforts for federal prisoners and give judges more discretion when sentencing nonviolent offenders, particularly for drug offenses.

McConnell also threatened to keep lawmakers in Washington over the holidays if they don’t cooperate. “As a result of this additional legislative business, members should now be prepared to work between Christmas and New Year’s, if necessary, in order to complete our work,” he said. “Members should either prepare to cooperate and work together or prepare for a very, very long month.”


So why the sudden change of heart?

Well, aside from the bill’s broad Republican support, if the Democratic-led House of Representatives manages to push a criminal justice reform bill through, the legislation’s eventual passage could be heralded as a win for Democrats.


Kushner and the Trump administration might be pushing for the bill to make their time in federal prison a bit easier once they are sentenced for Russian collusion.

Or maybe they’re just trying to keep up with the Kardashians.

Let’s hope turtle face can push this through.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

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Not Enough Day Drinking

“and following improvements to the legislation that have been secured by several members.”

“Improvements” to get republicans to sign onto the bill that isn’t public yet, during a lame duck session, that’s going to be voted on in a rush right before the holidays?

This is where crazy shit gets made into laws, so watch for mandatory armed bears in public schools or police departments getting air force surplus cruise missiles.