Mitch McConnell Leads the Pack in Race to Climb the Farthest Up Trump's Ass

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) speaks during a news conference following a weekly policy luncheon on April 2, 2019 in Washington, DC. (Photo by Zach Gibson/Getty Images)
Photo: Zach Gibson (Getty Images)

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) is leading the three-man race to become Trump’s favorite set of anal beads. So far, after two years in office, the race to be Trump’s whipping boy has been a three-way tie between California Rep. Devin Nunes, South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham, and McConnell.

All three men have gone out of their way to not only praise the president at every turn but have worked systematically to stop Congress from questioning the president’s actions. All of the men have colluded to see how far they can embed themselves into the president’s good graces, and now it seems McConnell may have taken the lead by a gray nose hair.


Speaking on the Senate floor Tuesday, McConnell, aka Trump’s favorite leather breathable ball gag, deemed Robert Mueller’s investigation into Russian election interference and the Trump campaign “case closed” and had the audacity of accusing Democrats of “slandering” Evil John Goodman-face, Attorney General William Barr, over his remix of the report, Bloomberg reports.

McConnell chided Dems, proclaiming that it’s time to stop relitigating the 2016 election.


“This investigation went on for two years,” McConnell said. “It’s finally over. Many Americans were waiting to see how their elected officials would respond.”

Democratic Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer used his time on a floor speech to push back against McConnell, claiming that the Senior Citizen Mutant Ninja Turtle was protecting a “lawless” President Donald Trump and has pursued “half-baked” election security measures only after Democrats pressed him.


“It is not done. This is very serious stuff,” said Schumer, of New York.

Unless McConnell is disqualified for veering left on a muddy field and assuming he can keep up this pace, McConnell should be the clear-cut winner to losing what’s left of his corrupt soul and endearing himself to Satan’s orange-tinted loogie.

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About the author

Stephen A. Crockett Jr.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.