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Mike Pence: We Don’t Want CDC Guidelines Determining When We Open Schools. (This Is Not an Onion Headline)

Illustration for article titled Mike Pence: We Don’t Want CDC Guidelines Determining When We Open Schools. (This Is Not an Onion Headline)
Photo: Win McNamee (Getty Images)

There are times when the news is so outrageous it almost seems satirical and then there is the Trump administration, which has skirted the line between truth and fiction so much that there is no line anymore.

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On Tuesday, the vice president, who may or may not be a sexless robot or a piece of sheet cake, spoke at a press conference in Baton Rouge, La., in which he toed the company line and downplayed the coronavirus, aka the NeNe Leakes of viruses, and pushed for schools reopening despite the coronavirus running throughout the country like the Kardashians at an NBA All-Star game.

Pence claimed “our ability to respond to this pandemic is substantially better than two or three months ago,” WWLTV reports. And, Pence is correct. The response two or three months ago was shit, and the improvement has been slightly better than shit.

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Pence also carried the White House message that despite the hellfire and brimstone and the raging waters, children should still be in school.

“We believe it’s in the best interests of students...to get students back on campuses,” Pence said.

Trump has punk’d the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention so badly that it’s hard to decipher whether what it is selling is even true.

CDC Director Dr. Robert Redfield, while speaking in Charlotte, N.C., said he supports sending kids back to school despite guidelines by the...wait, let me see who set these guidelines...THE CDC! The CDC suggests that kids and teachers should stay home whenever possible, WWLTV notes.

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“My analysis of this on the public health scale is way in favor of reopening schools, face to face, and these kids can get the education they deserve,” the CDC director said adding that children have low-risk factors for contracting the virus and teachers will be protected by God. OK, he didn’t say God but I mean unless they are teaching in hazmat suits, who is protecting the teachers?

Robot Pence was blunt Tuesday, noting that he doesn’t care what the CDC says, they ain’t stopping the White House from getting this money, ya dig?

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Managing Editor Genetta Adams: Stephen, I know that we talked about reaching a younger demographic but not like this.

Me: Huh?

GA: The rap-talk thing you’re doing. You don’t talk like that.

Me: Ya, diggie?

GA: Nope.

Me: Ya, dug?

GA: No.

Me: Doogie?

GA: Stop.

“To be very clear, we don’t want CDC guidance to be a reason why people don’t reopen their schools,” Pence said.

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But why wouldn’t the White House want to listen to the International House of Disease Control?

“We know that the risk the coronavirus presents to people under the age of 18 is very low,” Pence said. “But we also want to make sure that we have measures in place that protect faculty that may be vulnerable and so prevent kids from exposing others or bringing home the virus.”

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Robot Pence doesn’t know what the fuck he’s talking about. In fact, studies have shown that the decisions made by this inept White House have not flattened the curve, it’s done a Brazilian butt lift to the curve. We are so fucked when the White House stops listening to the Taylor Swift of disease control.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

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DISCUSSION

You would think Conservatives would encourage homeschooling as a way to keep Whayt children pure from being tainted by “librul education” and “mixing with the culureds”. But I know this is all about votes and posturing. What ever reasonable people will say, Trumpies will say the opposite.