Everyone in the black community knows that there are three people who can dismantle your soul and crush your spirit using nothing but words: the oldest barber at any barbershop, a black mother whose child forgot to take the chicken out of the freezer and—worst of all—a black Baptist preacher. According to the Colt 45 Book of Negro World Records, the worst dragging in the history of black America took place on June 3, 1986, at Shenandoah Baptist Church when Pastor Julius Franklin III preached an entire sermon about Sister Patrice bringing a Walmart pound cake to a church potluck.
If you doubt the dragging ability of a black Baptist preacher, ask America’s vice racist and one of the most earnest-looking motherfuckers who ever lived, Mike Pence.
According to WUSA, Mike Pence decided to attend a Metropolitan Baptist Church in Prince George County, Md., for Martin Luther King Jr. Day service. Apparently, Pence has no black people on his staff or in his circle of friends because one of them would probably have told him that going to the historically black church founded the year after the creation of the Emancipation Proclamation was probably a bad idea.
Pastor Maurice Watson, fresh out of fucks to give, noted that some of his parishioners were from Africa and Haiti and said he felt “led by God” to address the subject, which was clue No. 2 for Pence (he should’ve left then; whenever anyone in a black church says they have been “led by God” or “moved by the Spirit,” the shit is about to go down).
Watson pulled out the big-scoring Scrabble words to describe Trump’s “alleged” remarks, describing them as “visceral, guttural and dehumanizing.” I have to admit that I thought he was speaking in tongues until I looked up the definitions.
“I stand here to vehemently denounce the characterizations of the nations in Africa,” Watson said, breaking “vehemently” down into no less than 23 syllables. “And whoever said it is wrong, and they ought to be held accountable.”
Members of the audience said that Pence turned “visibly red-faced” at certain parts of the speech but did not object in any way, presumably because he knows there are some ass whippings even God himself can’t save you from. I don’t know this definitively, but I’m sure at least one person in the audience would have gladly tested Pence’s adherence to King’s principles by offering the vice president the chance to nonviolently resist “deez hands” in the church parking lot.
We can neither confirm nor deny that people were disturbed when Pence was afraid that turning to his neighbor and repeating after the pastor could lead to a dangerous neighbor-coveting sin situation. Plus, he would never look a black person in the eye.
After the service, Pence exited quietly and went back to the vice presidential residence to resume his post-impeachment plans for torturing the LGBTQ community. When asked why his face turned the color of a “Make America Great Again” hat, the veep did not say, “It must have been the Holy Ghost.”
Read more at WUSA.