Michael Cohen, the former personal attorney to President Donald Trump, speaks to the media before departing his Manhattan apartment for prison on May 6, 2019 in New York City. Cohen is due to report to a federal prison in Otisville, New York, where he will begin serving a three-year sentence for campaign finance violations, tax evasion and other crimes.
Photo: Spencer Platt (Getty Images)

Michael Cohen is proof that life comes at you fast.

In one breath, the slime-ball attorney was claiming that he’d take a bullet for the president of the United States, his friend and former client. In another, he spilled the beans, the Lipton, the espresso and the Takis to try and save himself from going to jail.


Well, it looked like none of that worked, or maybe it did, as the president’s former fixer is set to begin his three-year prison sentence Monday for all sorts of crimes, including campaign-finance violations during Trump’s 2016 presidential campaign.

“There still remains much to be told and I look forward to the day that I can share the truth,” Cohen told reporters outside a New York City hotel before traveling to the Federal Correctional Institution in Otisville, N.Y., The Hill reports.


Before you start feeling too bad for Cohen and wondering how he can go to prison for campaign finance violations and the president—who surely asked that he commit said violations—is chilling, just know that Federal Correctional Institution Otisville is basically an overnight camp for reality stars and famous folks.

From MSN:

The camp has a number of recreational activities: Weights, cardio equipment, bocce ball and horseshoes. The camp has a basketball court, handball court, tennis area, baseball field, and running and walking areas.

Given its proximity to New York’s sizable Jewish population, the FCI Otisville commissary includes a number of kosher foods, including matzo ball soup, gefilte fish, beef cholent and rugelach.


It’s the prison where all the white-collar criminals push to go to. Currently, the prison houses such D-listers as Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino and Ja Rule’s former business partner, Fyre Festival founder Billy McFarland, The Hill reports. Ponzi schemer Bernie Madoff requested that he be sent to Otisville to serve his time but ended up doing his bid at a less posh, medium-security facility in North Carolina.

How the mighty still don’t fall the way the rest of us do.

In November, Cohen pleaded guilty to lying to Congress about plans to build a Trump Tower in Moscow during the 2016 presidential election. He also copped to breaking campaign laws by paying off two of Trump’s side dishes who were planning to tell-all about Trump’s extramarital affairs. Cohen made those payments because Trump asked him to, yet here we are with the Mad President running the show and his lackey headed to jail. But don’t get it twisted; Cohen was trash from the onset, and crimes he committed outside of Trump also helped land him in one of the cushiest prisons in America.


From The Hill:

After the FBI raided his office and residence last April, Cohen offered his cooperation to special counsel Robert Mueller and delivered damaging testimony to Congress about Trump in part to avoid jail time. Cohen’s testimony is cited more than 100 times in the special counsel’s report on the investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 election.

But a federal judge in December handed him a 36-month sentence, the second-longest prison term imposed on someone stemming from Mueller’s probe.


The 53-year-old Cohen also dropped this gem in an interview with the New Yorker.

“You are going to find me guilty of campaign finance, with McDougal or Stormy, and give me three years—really?” Cohen asked. “And how come I’m the only one? I didn’t work for the campaign. I worked for him. And how come I’m the one that’s going to prison? I’m not the one that slept with the porn star.”


Cohen continued playing the victim, claiming that he hopes once he’s released that “the country will be in a place without xenophobia, injustice and lies at the helm of our country.” Michael Cohen is so full of shit. Where was this energy when it was all good? Where was this Cohen when he was getting those Trump checks? All this hope for the country came only after his ass got caught. Here’s hoping that the microwave buttons in Cohen’s prison cell stop working, he can never have next on the basketball court, he’s unable to get dryer sheets for his laundry, and that he’s housed next to a grown man who calls himself “The Situation” and is not a professional wrestler.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

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