Illustration for article titled Michael Cohen Is Ready to Sing Like National Anthem Marvin Gaye, Will Give Up Dirty Details on Trump to Congress
Photo: Mark Wilson (Getty Images)

The president’s former fixer and attorney Michael Cohen has reportedly asked for a half tux/half gown number to rival Billy Porter’s Oscar ensemble, because he’s about sing like a young Michael Jackson with the wide nose.


Cohen is set to testify before Congress on Wednesday, and he’s supposed to be dropping his hits “Donald Trump Is a Racist and I’ll Prove It” and the song that we all love, “Trump Ain’t Really a Billionaire.”

Also, Cohen has been subsisting on a diet of Newport 100 and 2-liter grape Fanta to prepare himself for the snitch fest that is about to ensue.


According to NBC News, Cohen is prepared to give up all the illicit activities that the president was involved in during his time with Trump.

Cohen will detail his allegations of the president’s lies, racism and cheating as a private businessman while Cohen spent a decade working for him, the source said.

Cohen will also give lawmakers information about Trump’s financial statements and might actually provide the statements, the source said. This information would require the president’s long-held secret tax returns in order to verify, providing an avenue for the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform to request those returns. The source noted the allegation that Trump deflated the value of his properties in some cases to reduce his property taxes.

Cohen’s three-day appearance begins Tuesday with closed-door testimony before the Senate Intelligence Committee. Only the Wednesday hearing before the House Oversight Committee is scheduled to be made public. Cohen will also testify before the House Intelligence Committee on Thursday.

Cohen is also expected to address his reasons for lying on Trump’s behalf and explain why he lied to Congress about Trump Tower Moscow negotiations — “a charge to which he pleaded guilty late last year. Cohen will additionally discuss whether anyone told him to lie,” NBC News reports.

Trump, of course, has defended his gaudy Trump Tower branded building in Russia, which he has called “very legal” and “very cool.”


According to the news station, Cohen’s hush money payments to Trump’s reported lovers will take center stage. Trump reportedly ordered Cohen to pay porn actress Stormy Daniels $130,000 just before the 2016 election to keep her from blabbing about his tiny penis.

The Devil’s mouthpiece White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders called Cohen “pathetic.


“Disgraced felon Michael Cohen is going to prison for lying to Congress and making other false statements,” Sanders said. “Sadly, he will go before Congress this week and we can expect more of the same. It’s laughable that anyone would take a convicted liar like Cohen at his word, and pathetic to see him given yet another opportunity to spread his lies.”

Suckabee is also a known liar whose job it is to protect the president with her wall of lies—Congress didn’t approve funding for her wall either.


At this point, all of Cohen’s testimony has to be taken with a grain of salt as he’s basically a jailhouse snitch who is looking to make good now that he’s facing three years in prison for an assortment of crimes, including “facilitating secret payments to women who claimed they had affairs with Trump, lying to Congress about the president’s business dealings with Russia and failing to report millions of dollars in income.”

But none of that will take away from the public spectacle or the enjoyment of watching someone so close to Trump literally blab about all the secret shit he’s been doing behind closed doors.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

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