As America frets over the Republicans’ efforts to taint the Mueller investigation, the prospect of a North Korean nuclear contamination and Syria’s use of chemical warfare against its own citizens, there is a much bigger threat of poisoning looming on the American horizon.
Melania Trump is going to serve collard greens.
Time reports that the Trumps will host French President Emmanuel Macron and French first lady Brigitte Macron on Tuesday at the first White House state dinner of the Trump administration. Buried in the details about the decor, wine selection and menu is the fact that Melania Trump is planning a first course that “celebrates the wondrous first harvest of spring, using greens from the White House kitchen garden.”
The main course will include New Orleans jambalaya with Carolina rice “scented with the trinity of Cajun cooking—celery, peppers and onions, and spiced with herbs from the South Lawn.”
In 2009, local fifth-graders joined Michelle Obama on the White House’s South Lawn garden to plant vegetables that included cauliflower, lettuce, carrots and collard greens. Since then, media outlets everywhere have written about Obama’s White House collard green recipe.
Politico reports that the Trump administration will invite neither Democrats nor members of the media to the state dinner, but as someone interested in protecting the legacy of the Obamas and the health of our foreign allies, I am calling on black America to join me in a special prayer circle for anyone who will be forced to eat collards à la Melania.
Let us bow our heads:
Dear White Jesus,
We come to you as humbly as humanly possible, asking you to look down on the Macron family and those unfortunate enough to attend Tuesday’s state dinner.
Lord, we know you are a powerful God. You rescued Daniel from the lion’s den. You saved the Hebrew boys in the fiery furnace. You even saved Jon Snow from the wrath of the White Walkers.
So, Father, we ask that you protect the stomachs of all those at the White House chewing on Melania’s greens. Given Trump’s history, we’re pretty sure there are no black cooks on the White House staff. Even though I’m not too familiar with your Scriptures, I’m pretty sure David wrote a psalm about not judging a book by its cover, so I am hesitant to tell you that Melania doesn’t look like the type of woman who knows about jambalaya or collard greens.
But with oh Notorious G.O.D., all things are possible. We ask that you touch the bellies of our visitors like the whale who ate Jonah oh so many years ago. Despite our quest for reparations, we are begging you to rain down hot sauce like showered locusts on the pharaoh!
We ask that you overlook the lamb on the menu and touch the food. After reading that the food will be “scented” with herbs and spices, we ask that you rain down your blessings on these poor, unfortunate palates. I don’t know how the fuck one “scents” a recipe, but I’m praying that is just a white euphemism for seasoning.
Oh Savior, be a ham hock in the pot of their greens! Be ye a dash of Lawry’s Seasoned Salt in their time of need. Send down your seasoning angels to intervene in this travesty as you did when Abraham pulled a switchblade on his son.
I don’t know much about Melania’s home country of Slovenia, oh Lord. It might be in one of your obscure books, like Obadiah or Habakkuk, but I don’t think I remember reading about Eastern European jambalaya in the New Testament. Plus, Mrs. Trump doesn’t look like she thoroughly washes her greens, Lord.
I bet she boils them with some obscure meat like quail hearts or Jeff Sessions’ testicles. Lord, please don’t let her greens be covered with that orange stuff her husband uses as foundation. I’m just spitballing here, G. Diddy. You see and know all things.
We ask these bubblegut blessings in the name of the most high, Snoop Dogg.
The doors of the toilet are now open.