Life-size photographs of Prince Harry and his fiancee, Meghan Markle, are displayed in a gift shop on May 2, 2018, in Windsor, England.
Photo: Christopher Furlong (Getty Images)

Much like my colleague Michael Harriot at The Root, I cannot find a solitary damn to give about the royal wedding. Prior to the news, I, too, had no idea who Meghan Markle was and had no idea there was a show called Suits on the air (but this is less surprising, since I don’t watch a lot of TV).

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And yet, as people ranted and raved about the upcoming nuptials, I found myself following the news—not with any particular joy or excitement but, rather, with the gory type of voyeurism that you get from watching a pimple being popped.

Markle’s white relatives are so goddamn MESSY, it’s hard to look away.

These people really won’t let Markle live or enjoy her upcoming big day, selling out to tabloids and just being generally embarrassing—and not in an adorably cringey type of way, like when your mom tells your spouse-to-be about that time you peed your pants on a school trip in third grade. Nope. That seems far too civilized for these opportunists.

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The messiness started in December, about a month after Prince Harry proposed to the actress. Markle’s white half-sister, Samantha Grant, someone who is 17 years older than the 36-year-old duchess-to-be and should definitely know better, went on the record, calling Markle a “shallow social climber” and saying that she was “not fit to be a member of the royal family.”

Grant announced her plans to write a tell-all titled The Diary of Princess Pushy’s Sister, dishing all sorts of deets about her little sister.

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It started with Grant, but it didn’t end there: As we got closer and closer to the wedding, which will occur on Saturday, Markle’s relatives escalated their shenanigans.

Several members of her extended family decided that it was a great idea to try to crash a royal wedding, and continued to sell their souls by accepting invitations to dish dirt on her to the British press.

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Then there is her nephew, who developed a special cannabis strain dubbed “Markle’s Sparkle” in honor of the big day. But of all the grievances her white family has subjected her to, this is perhaps the most innocuous (though there is a strong ban on marijuana in Britain, and he is still trying to profit off of his aunt’s big day).

Let’s not forget her (white) ex-husband, Trevor Engelson, a TV producer who, prior to the engagement, had pitched a new TV comedy about a man whose wife leaves him for a British prince.

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“Divorce is hard. Sharing custody is harder. Sharing custody with the British royal family when your wife marries a prince, in the unforgiving spotlight of London’s tabloid media, is next level,” the show’s premise read.

Engelson recently decided to stall the show and reportedly received Markle’s thanks for not airing their shit, but ... messy that he even thought of it.

“Trevor’s project is currently on hold after several months of anguish for Meghan,” a senior TV executive, who asked not to be named, told The Sun.“The plan was for the series to come out during the aftermath of the royal wedding later this summer, but things have changed.”

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And let’s not pretend that it was out of the goodness of his heart, either.

“The TV pilot was a shock, but now everything is paused—for the meantime, at least. There is a feeling, too, that it is too soon for a TV network to go straight at the new royals, given their popularity, and it could flop,” the source said. “So that, too, is a factor, as Trevor has still not confirmed yet if he will walk away from the project.”

Then there is, of course, the drama with her father, who staged paparazzi photos; was uninvited, possibly reinvited; then had a heart attack and, as of press time, is now not attending the wedding (or some such drama), when he was supposed to walk his daughter down the aisle.

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In the end, Meghan released an official statement regarding the issues surrounding her father on Thursday, confirming that he would not be attending the wedding. That announcement was followed by the news that in her father’s stead, her future father-in-law, Prince Charles, would walk her down the aisle.

“Sadly, my father will not be attending our wedding,” she said in the statement released by Kensington Palace. “I have always cared for my father and hope he can be given the space he needs to focus on his health.”

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“What has been made clear to me about today’s palace statement is that Meghan Markle felt it was important she should address people personally on what has been happening with her father,” a royal reporter tweeted about the statement. “While it’s been a difficult few days, she and Harry are said to be very excited about their wedding on Saturday and have the rest of their family and friends around them to support them. They say it will still be a great day.”

And in spite of all of this, they are all somehow big mad and wondering why Markle hasn’t spoken to some of them for years (perhaps decades)—even in light of all this messiness. Really and truly, in this situation, I feel safe to say that it could only be wypipo acting like this.

In the six months that Markle has been officially engaged, you have not heard a single PEEP from her black relatives.

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Why?

Because although black people like to gossip and will drag you to filth within the family, we are not the ones to air our dirty laundry and pappyshow (as we say in the Caribbean) ourselves in public, especially in front of no white folk, who will take all the stereotypes and run with them.

Yet surprisingly, no one has called Markle’s white people white trash.

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In the end, although I care very little about this whole, entire mess, I end up feeling low-key kind of sad for her. It’s not every day you get to marry a prince, and to have a whole side of your family showing their whole, entire ass to the whole, entire world and attempting to drag you down to their level cannot be easy to watch or tolerate.

Then again, it is also amazing to me that she’s marrying into the whitest and messiest family of all time (check the history books and do a Google search before you @ me), after dealing with her own white relatives for 36 years. So maybe she doesn’t need that sympathy after all.

Either which way, good luck, girl, and Godspeed. I wish you nothing but your happily ever after.