Manhunt Underway After Dame Lillard Commits 1st-Degree Murder on National Television

NBA players live a charmed a life.

There’s lucrative endorsement deals, celebrity friends, an inconceivable level of fame and influence along with a litany of other perks that I’m too spiteful to catalogue. But you know who I don’t want to be right now? Oklahoma City Thunder forward Paul George.

I’m sure the MVP candidate has a wonderful life, complete with bobblehead dolls that mirror his likeness and the best healthcare package on planet Earth, but I’m super cool on being that nigga. No, really. I’m good.

Because last night we witnessed a murder.

Portland Trail Blazer point guard Damian Lillard—the heartless bastard who eats children and inflicts mental illness on his opponents for a living—drilled a 37-foot coup de grâce at the buzzer to eliminate the Oklahoma City Thunder from the playoffs.

But as grisly as that was, it gets even worse. Because outside of catching a body and scoring a playoff-career high 50 points—30 of which came from behind the 3-point line, setting a new franchise record—he also broke the internet with this savage ass stunt in its immediate aftermath.

Because giving a fuck is just not in Dame’s DNA.

Meanwhile, from beyond the grave, Paul George—the poor unfortunate soul who was tasked with attempting to prevent the inevitable—offered this explanation from the heavens:

“That’s a bad shot. I don’t care what anybody says,” George said of the man who had just snatched his soul from his chest and who had drilled 8 of 12 shots from 30+ feet over the course of the series. “That’s a bad shot. But hey, he made it. That story won’t be told.”

Apparently George missed the memo that the dude is called “Logo Lillard” for a reason. Because as the rest of the league is well aware, he shoots from the fucking logo.

But here are some more reactions from the gruesome assassination that occurred on national television last night.

The Oklahoma City Thunder were unavailable for comment, but confirmed that the planning for George’s memorial service is underway.