Man Tries to Kidnap Woman. Woman Runs In Black Karate Dojo. Attacker Follows. Things Don't Go Well

Image for article titled Man Tries to Kidnap Woman. Woman Runs In Black Karate Dojo. Attacker Follows. Things Don't Go Well
Screenshot: YouTube

A North Carolina martial arts studio became the scene of a karate movie when a man’s attempt to kidnap a woman made him the star of a remake of a 1985 classic, The Last Draggin’.


According to CNN affiliate WSOC, a woman ran into the Bushiken Karate Charlotte Dojo around 9 p.m. on Thursday saying a stranger tried to force her into his car. The woman somehow escaped and ran into the studio, where classes were ending, students were waiting to be picked up and head instructor, Master Randall Ephraim, was cleaning up after a long day of teaching people how to kick hypothetical ass.

I don’t know if karate students technically call their instructors master, but one of my best friends’ father was a karate instructor. My friend had a black belt when we were around 12 and the teachers had to call him “Master Sammy Lee Brinson,” so I’m going with “master.” (Make sure you emphasize the that’s T when you pronounce it. It’s not “massa.” That’s an entirely different thing.)

Also, why would anyone take classes from a non-Master? If your instructor is not a master, that’s just a nigga in a housecoat!

You can see from his Instagram page Master Ephraim has a black belt with yellow stripes. While I’m not a martial arts expert, I’m pretty sure that when they decorate your black belt, you can safely be called Master. Or maybe that’s a military insignia. After all, you’re going to see that Master Ephraim is a soldier in the army of the Lord.

“There were still some kids in the dojo being picked up by parents and a couple of adult students cleaning up when a young lady came through our doors and stated that someone was trying to harm her,” Ephraim told CNN, adding that a rather large man entered his class shortly after the woman ran in.


“Not knowing what he wanted, I assumed he was inquiring about classes,” Ephraim recounted.

I understand why Master E assumed this. Everyone who’s seen a Bruce Lee movie knows you don’t go to a karate school and call out the teacher unless you have henchmen. Even then, you must have properly certified henchmen that will all attack the karate master together and not one after another. I don’t know why most henchmen programs teach the one-at-a-time technique but before I hired any henchman, I’d make sure their curriculums didn’t include the single-file attack method.


And even if you and your simultaneous-attacking henchmen kill the master, history tells us that one of the students is gonna come back and kill you 45 minutes later, as soon as you go to your master’s grave and let him know you’re going to avenge his death

Anyway, this dude was henchman-less. He still came up in the dojo like he had never seen anything starring Bruce Lee. Ephraim said he was cordial to the man, identified as 47-year-old August Williams.


“I asked how I could assist him,” said Master Randall of the Ephraim Clan. “He stated that he was there for the lady. She insisted that she did not know him and tried to kidnap her.”

Ephraim said Williams began pushing the door and swinging, trying to enter the dojo. Ephraim asked the man to leave, which I imagine was in the calm but stern voice used by martial artists just before they kick your ass (Again, unless you have non-master-killing henchmen).


“I then went into action defending myself and got him out of the dojo,” said Master E. “Once outside he attempted to attack again and was dealt with accordingly.”

Now, this is where CNN ends their story. However, after years of experience as both an amateur and professionally-licensed black man, allow me to fill in the blanks.


Whenever a black person says someone was, has been, or will be “dealt with accordingly,” the shit has gone down. In black parlance, “dealt with” is a complex predicate that encompasses everything from your mama getting a switch to a man getting beaten with a mop handle—and not one of the regular mop handles, I’m talking about an industrial, yellow, bucket-with-the-lever mop handles with those mops that don’t do shit but make dirty mop water and swab germs around.

And “accordingly” is an adverb that modifies how one was “dealt with.” It is one thing to be dealt with. But if you were ever dealt with “accordingly,” you got your ass whipped. Bad. If you don’t believe me, check out Williams’ mug shot:

Image for article titled Man Tries to Kidnap Woman. Woman Runs In Black Karate Dojo. Attacker Follows. Things Don't Go Well
Photo: Mecklenberg County Jail

You see those cuts on his head? If you ever see someone who has been in a fight with bruises like these, you might wonder what kind of position that person was in that allowed them to sustain top-of-the-head injuries. The answer is: Either their barber was smoking crystal meth, or that person has sustained “accordingly” injuries. “Accordingly” is a synonym for “like a motherfucker.”

Random thought: Aren’t his eyebrows nice, though?

Anyway, the police were called and Williams was taken away in a stretcher. He struggled with the officers and was taken to the hospital with injuries.


According to Mecklenburg County records, Williams was charged with first-degree attempted kidnapping, assault on a female, simple assault, resisting a police officer, injury to personal property and possession of drug paraphernalia.

Police said Williams was on high on drugs at the time of the alleged assault. and has been arrested multiple times for drugs and assault.


Apparently, he had been previously dealt with.

But not “accordingly.”