A hotep and a MAGAt walk into a bar…
“Why aren’t you wearing your mask?” asks the bartender.
“Oh, I don’t believe in the coronavirus,” replies the Trump supporter, sipping on a Mountain Dew Code Red. “It’s a plot by the government to get us to take a poison vaccine.”
“I know, right?” says the hotep, as he lights a Newport 100.
That’s the joke.
If you’ve been on the internet since the coronapocalypse police told you whether or not you were “essential,” you’ve heard the various paranoid premises being shared on social media. The conspiracy theorists are not bound by political affiliation or cultural ideology. In fact, the bulk of the insane online theories come from two specific groups:
- Hoteps: These are the academics who earned a Ph.D. in Tricknology from the Umar Johnson School of Knowing Stuff. They read their leatherbound copies of “The Willie Lynch Letter” when they’re not binge-watching their VHS tapes of Hidden Colors.
- The MAGAts: These are Trump-supporters who claim the Confederate flag as their family crest. Their goal in life is to expose Hillary Clinton’s emails that show how Obama led a child sex trafficking ring in Benghazi after graduating from the Sharia School of Law in Kenya. Also a pizza place in Washington, D.C., is the secret lair of congressional pedophiles.
To get to the bottom of it all, The Root decided to use a technique pioneered by acclaimed blunt-smoking keyboardist Scott Storch, along with Cash Money Records Army (better yet, a Navy) soldier, Mannie Fresh, who served during the takeover of ‘99 and the 2000s.
We decided to host a battle.
We pitted Mississippi’s Arnold G. Adams (MAGA) against Hakeem Ogletree, who goes by the name Hakeem Osiris, the Enlightened Prophet (HOTEP) to see which team would win the Super Bowl of coronavirus conspiracy theorists. And if you think this post is hilarious, you might not want to click on the links for one reason:
There are people who believe every single conspiracy theory mentioned in this article.
Round 1: Where Did the Coronavirus Come From?
HOTEP: Same place all evil comes from—the white man. It was devised in the same lab as AIDS, the Tuskegee experiment and crack cocaine.
Everyone knows that white people have biological weapons labs hidden in mattress stores all over America in case the race war starts. Why do you think there are so many mattress stores? Steve Harvey told us that white people don’t sleep!
MAGA: Easy. Koreans, which is my way of saying Chinese people. Chinese people eating baked bat wings and dragons. Everyone knows that Obama enjoys basketball and the Dream Team played China in what, 2008? And no one likes to talk about it, but this whole plan was devised during that trip to Beijing with Obama.
Round 2: Who Would Do Such a Thing?
HOTEP: Well, everyone knows Jay-Z and Beyoncé joined the Illuminati, but most people don’t know about the Bilderbergs and the United Nations. And Russia, probably. But mostly, it’s the Jews.
MAGA: The government (and by government, I mean Obama) and the Jews. And also kneeling during the national anthem of our great country and Colin Kaepernick and Black Lives Matter movement, which is nothing but a terrorist organization designed to poison the economy with terrible t-shirt designs. And, Obama.
Round 3: But Why Would Anyone Do This?
HOTEP: To maintain white supremacy by blinding your third eye. See, everyone knows black people are taking over, so the only way those Crakkkers can kill us is with an invisible bioweapon. Trump wants to declare Marsha’s law and institute a New World Order.
MAGA: I somewhat agree with Sambo here. I think they did it to stop white supremacy, take our guns, declare Marshall law (The dindoo spelled it wrong) and create a New World Order. And Obama did it.
Round 4: What’s the New World Order?
HOTEP: I’m not quite sure. But I know it’s bad.
MAGA: It’s too hard to explain. I read it on Reddit. But trust me, it’s coming. And its one of the most underrated wrestling trios in the history of America! Long live Hollywood Hogan and the WWE!
Round 5: How Did They Do It?
HOTEP: They put it in 5G signals that emit a radioactive signal that shuts down your lungs. That’s why black folks are getting it—because all the 5G towers are in black neighborhoods.
MAGA: Billionaire George Soros who, I might add, is a Jew, funded a secret lab in Wuhan, China. That’s where they developed it. Then, once they took it out of the oven, Charles Lieber, a Jew, sold it to China. Also, Obama.
Round 6: Who Exposed These Secrets?
HOTEP: I have a cousin who works for the government who told me about it. Now, I know white people don’t have cousins, but Dr. Boyce Watkins explains it best. Then you gotta follow Dr. Umar Johnson. They were both ahead of everyone else on coronavirus.
They’re both doctors, so they definitely know what’s going on.
Also, why does this mayonnaise licker keep calling me racist names?
MAGA: Jesus Christ revealed himself to Alex Jones, Jerry Falwell Jr., Rush Limbaugh and the prophets at Fox News.
But, if we’re being honest, Nostradamus predicted it, way back in 1551!
Round 7: Who Benefits From This?
HOTEP: Most people don’t overstand that we are the original Gods of the Universe and these Yacubians were created by an evil scientist who was hiding in a cave.
MAGA: The global elite lizard people who have royal bloodlines and that bitch Carole Baskin! And Bill Gates. He creates pandemics so he can create vaccines that allow him to practice unlicensed medicine on the negra children like Jerome over here.
Round 8: How Can You Fight Back?
HOTEP: First of all, I’m about to slap this devil if he keeps talking shit.
Secondly, I don’t have to fight it because my melanin protects me from coronavirus. But if you get it (because you are light-skinned with weak melanin), you just have to drink some alkaline water with lemon juice. Make sure you sage everything in your house to cleanse the spirit of corona out.
MAGA: Don’t wear a mask. Have coronavirus parties. Hair dryer up your nose. A fuckit bucket filled with PBR and some shit on a shingle and a little transistor radio playing “I Saw a Tiger.”
Round 9: Do You Have Any Evidence?
HOTEP: I’ve been doing all of my research on YouTube. There’s a whole book that was written in 1981 but they changed the name in recent versions because they don’t want you to know. Plus, my wife has been revealing many of their secrets. Also, Behold a Pale Horse, but ignore like a third of that book because I don’t fuck with aliens.
MAGA: Unlike the uneducated coon, I’ve been doing my research in places with real information—Facebook. Hidden in Hillary’s emails is the fact that we abolished the coronavirus in 2009. I also saw the mass graves FEMA was digging and found out Tom Hanks was arrested with Oprah for running a pedophile ring. He never even had COVID-19!
That’s what happens when you run with the negroes.
Round 10: What Is Wrong With Taking a Vaccine?
HOTEP: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, You believe that “vaccine bullshit?”
Bruh, all they’re trying to do is extract the melanin from your skin (pdf) so they can create synthetic melanin. Then, they’re gonna harvest your organs!
MAGA: There is no vaccine and there won’t be. See, I was talking to Harvey over at the old Chevy plant and he told me that his sister’s husband who is their brother once had a contracting job near NASA, and this is all ploy to put tracking devices in our dicks.
Bonus Round: Last Thoughts
HOTEP: Yes, I like to acknowledge the person who taught me many of this information, my wife, the honorable Tomi Lahren.
MAGA: Hey, that’s my daughter!
And Jeffrey Epstein didn’t kill himself.