Love & Hip Hop Atlanta, Season 5, Episode 7 Recap

VH1 screenshot
VH1 screenshot

The saying goes that all good things must come to an end - fake lesbian relationships, faker hetero marriages, 20/20 vision, etc. Mona Scott managed to bring an end to all of the above and then some with the latest episode of Love and Script Hip Hop Atlanta Season 5. The most recent installment of “As The Ancestors Weep” brought talk of the end of Stevie J. and Joseline’s *air quotes* marriage, yet another ashy sex scene care of Karlie Redd and Scrapp “White Jaysus Be A Cholesterol Pack” DeLeon and most importantly, the end of Mimi and Stud Bae.


I tip my 40 to your memrrrrraaaaay!

When last we left off, Tommie had merked out on some bih, snarling and waving her hands and promising to put the paws on when she really needs to be improving her mugshot game. In other words, a normal Tuesday. This week finds her meeting up with Karlie Redd to engage in Karlie’s second favorite hobby (first one rhymes with plucking rick?) spreadin’ miscellaneous rumors in hopes of causing a ruckus. Tommie takes Karlie to task for causing tension with Joseline by telling her she was talking shit about her. Or some shit. It’s all so trifling and confusing. It ends with Tommie saying she doesn’t want to know anything from Karlie Redd ever, no more.

Karlie’s like “O’rlly!” and keeps that in mind a few scenes later when she invites Scrapp, nee Trouble Edges, to her “shop” where she happens to be alone, and happens to be dressed like a bondage cheerleader and happens to start talking about business - which happens to be code for giving you quivering lips and bow chicka wow wow eyes. Not one to pass up ho shit, Scrapp lays a juicy one on her lips. And THAT, ladies in gentlemen, is how I temporarily lost sight in my left eye. Anyhow, Karlie returns said smooch and end scene - we’re left to wonder what happened. The answer comes when Karlie meets with her talkin’ a lot and saying nothing understudy, Jessica Dyme for drinks and not a damn thing.

Dyme walks up on Karlie giggling and eyeballing pics of her and Scrapp, and immediately gets tea about the sitch. Karlie explains Scrapp didn’t claim Tommie, and she has a ratchet itch so why not scratch it. Dyme warns her of a potential run in with Tommie - but word on the ATL skreets is for all that talk, Tommie’s handles are about equal to her level of chill. That’s to say, she has zero of either. But that’s none of my bidness. Dyme spills her own tea that she has been facetimin’ with Lil Scrappy, to which Karlie astutely responds that she needs to leave Scrappy with “Yung” Joc - in the trap, where the latter said it’s going down. I done die - bih that was so wrong it was RIGHT!

But no shade, Dyme ain’t got nere TYPE of storyline this season. You only have 82 more episodes left to do that Raggedy Ann weave proud girl. Respond accordingly!

Joseline and Stevie J. are going through it yall. I know - if they can’t make it, is there hope for any of us??? Joseline is choppin’ it up with Dawn the bestie/villain/bestie when Stevie J. walks in. Hole up - ain’t this the same bih who said I was a junkie and that my musical relevance was as real as Lebron’s hairline, pre-man weave? Yes it is, she still feels that way, and why are you here? All three get into a tiff that ends with Stevie J. storming out. Joseline confides in Dawn that the marriage is on the rocks. You don’t say! She’s frustrated and decides to deal with it the way any of us would - she goes to see K. Michelle! Joseline arrives at K Michelle’s eight-bedroom home to find the woman of the hour outside, wildly bouncing on a trampoline, because: crazy. Only she’s not crazy damnit, and she’s back in Atlanta to prove it, K Michelle says, just before announcing plans to invite all of her enemies to a song premiere party.  This is definitely NOT what a crazy person would do. Did I mention she had Grace Jones eyes when she’s saying all of this? You know exactly what I mean.


Later, none other than Karlie hands out invitations to each of the ladies of LAHHATL at a birthday celebration at random soon-to-close Atlanta club no. 421. Who will come? Well it won’t be Dyme, who tears the invitation up, before promptly heading to another part of the club for foolish drama with Bambi. Le Bam is on a date with Thug Bro. Dyme eagerly let’s it slip that Lil Scrappy has been calling her. Moments later, Dyme starts cutting up, basically over Le Bam saying she don’t give a fug what Scrappy does with his thick neck in his free time. The scene ends with Le Bam and Thug Bro leaving in a huff, while Dyme exclaims that “your man was looking at my ass!” Perhaps, but when you have an ass that looks like a sack of rusty doorknobs, people are gonna look honey.

But it’s time to get serious y'all. We’re about to deal with some heavy emotions. We know this because Mimi is speaking in a whispery voice. Mimi and Stud Bae are at a crossroads. Stevie J. has asked if he can crash for a few nights to avoid the stress at his house. He just needs a warm place to put his paynus head um, a warm place to get some sleep. Mimi needs to clear this with Stud Bae - who somehow flips this into a conversation about her getting between Mimi and her family. Huh bih? How we go from a “yes, he can stay/no, and bih I will choke you” question to, “We might don’t make it?” I mean, granted, it’s all foolishness and clearly we’ve been set up for a Stevie J./Mimi reunion for over a year now, but that shit escalated quickly. A little too quickly if you ask me - I say Stud Bae was ready to hit the escape hatch. Stud Bae rolls out without so much as a hug, her Sideshow Bob curls blowing gently in the breeze.


Will she be back?

We’ll see next week - same skank time, same skank channel. See you then!

Dhiraj Naseen (The Hostile Negress) is a renowned ratchetologist and advocate of foolishment. A blackbelt spinster, she holds advanced degrees in crochet, cats, crystals and being socially awkward.


Dee Squared

“Not one to pass up ho s yit, Scrapp lays a juicy one on her lips. And THAT, ladies in gentlemen, is how I temporarily lost sight in my left eye.” lady…you are a fool for that one! ***in my best Hov voice***

Was anyone else bothered by the sight of K. Michelle in those shorts?

Me and hubby have decided that we are no longer here for LHHATL. We are now a Black Ink family! ***drops mic and returns to work***