Just when I thought Mona Scott didn’t have a single lick of respeck to put on our collective names she goes and surprises us with a Mother’s Day gift: The gift of restful sleep. A day early and allegedly in honor of the national celebration of mothers, Mona gave us the TV equivalent of a Xanax in a thoroughly lethargic installment of Love and Hip Hop Atlanta Season 5. Sunday’s *air quotes* special featured a thug love blind date, some mild Joseline party undrama, and some ‘nother shit that was truly forgettable. This episode did, however, manage to sneak in one Easter egg: A senior sex scene involving none other than Mama Dee.
*In Aunt Esther voice * Ehhhhhh glorrrry!
First thing’s first: Last week’s cliffhanger hinted at party fisticuffs between Stud Bae and
Trans Bae Joseline after the latter made an offhand comment about previously sampling Mimi’s snatch during a wild night of pinochle and dessert wine (I made that last part up, but I feel like it could be true). Fast forward to this week, where we find Stud Bae with her chin juttin’ all out, in full knuck to Joseline’s relatively mild buck. Will a two-piece follow?? Not quite: The fore promised mollywoppin’ fizzles into a series of stern glances and a relatively polite change of subject. Enter Stevie J, who promptly gives Stud Bae a creepy uncle hug, tells her she’s beautiful and makes a few comments about threesomes that instantly send Mimi into scoldy teacher mode. She TOLD him not to tell Christina she’s beautiful, and on, and on. Girl look, true story, I’m not here for Stud Bae, or frankly, for any of these tried ass LGBT characters Mona has cooked up this season.
Every presentation has been over dramatic, over sensitive, just plain OVER - from D. Smith’s obsession with the homophobia of Tammy’s husband to Stud Bae’s hypersensitivity over anything that implies she has a vagina. I guess these characters are supposed to be making us conscious of gay struggles? Well I’m gay, and my struggle is getting 5 p.m. to come an hour earlier each day and figuring out why my engine sounds like someone playing a broken banjo - same shit as everybody else. The Gays do NOT walk around in our feelings all day! DAYUM!
Anyway, party antics continue with Joseline making her way over to Scrapp and Sas, to drop a few grenades concerning their sketchy paternity. Yep, she’s back on that KK and Stevie hooked up thang. She makes a few cryptic comments of the “In the case of 32-year-old Scrapp DeLeon, Stevie J. you ARE the father …” ilk before sashaying away, leaving the Doobie Brothers (see what I did there) pissed in her wake. Somewhere in here, a music video occurs. Picture a lot of shots of a tall, bewigged man screaming for help from a desert island as a wind machine blows, and you’ve pretty much watched the video.
Just as party vibes are getting good, in walks Dawn, Joseline’s friend-turned-rival-turned-back-friend and current enemy of Tommie. Is there anybody who is NOT Tommie’s enemy? Tommie resorts to what she does best - sneering and talking about ass whoopins. I have serious questions about whether her ass can cash all the checks her mouth writes, but that’s none of my bidness. Overall, the party is a bust: The most dramatic thing there was Stud Bae’s Lyle Lovett hair stunts.
In other shit we don’t care about: Waka Flocka is back from touring. Where do these tours be jaysus? Are these English-speaking countries? Who is coming in tired to work because they had to see Waka last night? So much research paper fodder. What we do know is he has a brother who somehow looks more ratchet than himself, and they’re going on a blind double date with Tammi Rivera and none other than Bambi - who wastes no time asking Thug Bro how many baby mamas he has. Thug Bro replies it’s not in how many baby mamas you have, it’s all in how you introduce them to each other.
Well played sir! This could be love - or at least a few toothy knob slobs.
“Yung” Joc and Scrappy mostly went back missing in this episode - eerily similar to their music careers. *Kanye shrug* Rasheeda and Kirk are still Rasheeda and Kirking - meaning doing basic shit and manufacturing drama in the process. Rasheeda wants to mend the chasm that opened between her mother and Mama Dee when the latter came into her store and put a root on the family a few weeks back. She arranges a sneaky Mother’s Day brunch where she ambushes her mom with Scrappy and Mama Dee. Now at this point, I have to ask: Isn’t her mom like, 70ish? I’d like to think that by that age, you know full well that empty place settings+secret guest list = get the fuck on, forthwith. But, as my friend so astutely pointed out, this is a postmenopausal woman who’s in school and rockin’ braces at an age when she should just be glad to have intact molars. So that’s to say, Mrs. Rasheeda’s Mom’s mental age and her bio-age ain’t exactly aligning.
So in walk Scrappy and Mama Dee, cue Mrs. Rasheeda’s Mom rolling her eyes. Yap yap yap - bad egg - yap yap - lemme tell YOU sumthin - blah blah blah. I’mma be honest, I really didn’t get into this segment. Unless these two are gonna start swinging on each other with Hurry Canes, I’m not entirely interested.
I was also completely mind blown by having just seen Mama Dee and Ernest laid up in bed. Yes. Yes. Let that sink in. For reasons that I can only imagine are BDSM related, Mona decided we needed a glimpse inside the senior sex life of Mama Dee. The pair are inside Mama Dee’s struggly apartment, under the covers. Rubbing is happening as are dry sounding kisses and at one point *gulps water* nipple sucking. Lesbun question: Can someone explain to me why straight women suck menzez nipples? They like that shit? I mean, they don’t really have nipples!
Around this time, Ernest lifts up the covers, gestures and tells Mama Dee that she needs to put in work. White jesus, is this really how things go down when you reach the end of the rainbow?! Mama Dee replies that he needs to get it up. I pass out for a few minutes, and am revived just in time to see the discussion devolve into an argument over Ernest not pulling his weight in the house. Mama Dee feels like she ain’t getting dack nor is she getting any coin. Ernest responds that she “knew what kind of struggle I was up against when you married me” WORD - aren’t they BOTH felons? Angry, he hops out of the bed. I have no idea what I just watched, but I do know I probably won’t be having sex for a long time.