Illustration for article titled Kim Foxx Survives Smollett Scandal to Win Democratic Primary
Photo: Scott Olson (Getty Images)

After suffering through Jussie Smollett’s star turn as the lead character in The Subway Sandwich Strongarm: A MAGA Mugging Mystery, Kim Foxx (No relation to Redd) successfully defended her seat as Cook County State Attorney.

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Despite being challenged by a better financed but less-melanated opponent, attorney Kim Foxx (no relation to Jamie) emerged victorious in Illinois’ Democratic Primary on Tuesday, according to the Chicago Tribune. Foxx bested well-financed newcomer Bill Conway, who I didn’t have to Google to check if he was white because his name is Bill Conway, all but assuring that she will remain the chief prosecutor of America’s third-largest city.

Although she campaigned on her credentials as a progressive criminal justice reformer, Foxx was dogged by her decision to drop criminal charges against actor, singer and fabricated hate crime performance artist Smollett, the victim of a January 2019 bleach-throwing incident outside of a Chicago sandwich shop. Foxx’s opponent charged that she exceeded her authority and undermined the pristine reputation of the Chicago Police Department by excusing Smollett. Some even floated a conspiracy theory that she was in cahoots with Michelle Obama to distract from special counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation into Russian collusion, a claim perpetuated, ironically, by Fox News (No relation to Kim or Vivica).

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Instead of insisting that she was right not to prosecute a man for paying someone to beat himself up (To be fair, the CPD does have a monopoly on the brutalizing-black-men industry), Foxx pointed to her accomplishments as a prosecutor and reformer. She ordered the release of dozens of men who had been incarcerated at the hands of corrupt Chicago police officers and pledged to expunge misdemeanor marijuana convictions after the state legalized the plant.

Conway (no relation to Kellyanne), who came in second with 35.8 percent of the vote, served as an assistant state’s attorney and was the son of a private equity billionaire who dropped more than $10 million on his son’s efforts to defeat Foxx. But it wasn’t enough, as Foxx garnered 43.29 percent of the vote with 1,581 of 1,599 precincts reporting.

Meanwhile, Smollett’s alleged accomplices, the Osundairo brothers, have not received word on their nomination for Best Fake Thugs in a Movie, Miniseries or Media Frenzy.

My money is on Rick Ross (no relation to Freeway Ricky).

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.

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