Greg Piatek, a white man
Screenshot: News 6

Updated Thursday, April 26, 2018, 3:25 p.m. EDT: John Neidich, the owner of the Happiest Hour, issued this statement to The Root:

At the Happiest Hour we firmly support women’s rights, marriage equality, gun control, the environment, and regard for the truth—we don’t discriminate. What’s gotten lost in this story is that the guest wasn’t kicked out because he was wearing a Trump hat—he was asked to leave after being verbally abusive to our staff, which is something we don’t tolerate regardless of who you are. And this is after he spent almost $200—the 20 percent tip he left would seem to indicate he was satisfied with the service he received.

Kanye West did not issue this statement to The Root:

Hey Greg, nice hat!

Earlier:

A New York City judge dismissed a case on Wednesday, ruling that wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat is not a religious act after a man who was booted from a bar said that he was wearing it for “spiritual reasons.”

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I’m trying to figure out a way to craft a sentence that cleverly explains that 31-year-old Greg Piatek is a white man. Not regular white, but super white. Glow-in-the-dark white. Trump-supporter-eating-a-mayonnaise-and-tartar-sauce-sandwich-while-listening-to-Creedence Clearwater Revival-on-AM-radio white.

Just after the inauguration in January 2017, Piatek walked into a New York bar wearing a “MAGA” hat from the Donald Trump fall collection (I know it sounds like an opening to a joke, but stick with me). Piatek claims that the bartender at the Happiest Hour told him: “Anyone who supports Trump—or believes in what you believe—is not welcome here! And you need to leave right now because we won’t serve you!” the New York Post reports.

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Of course this didn’t sit well with Greg. Nothing ever sits right with people named Greg. Gregs are bitter, mostly because their name is “Greg.” Now, before all the Gregs out there get upset, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the name Greg. But imagine being raised by parents who had nine months to think of a name for their beloved child, and the best they could come up with was “Greg.”

It’s not Greg’s fault. It’s the universe.

Anyway, Greg the white man left the bar in a huff and decided to sue, claiming that his rights had been violated. (Also, only guys named Greg know how to leave in a huff.) When the judge told Greg’s lawyer that discrimination only mattered in cases of sex, gender, race or religion, Greg’s lawyer asserted that Greg’s hat was a religious statement.

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“The purpose of the hat is that he wore it because he was visiting the 9/11 Memorial,” his attorney, Paul Liggieri, said during the proceedings. “He was paying spiritual tribute to the victims of 9/11. The ‘Make American Great Again’ hat was part of his spiritual belief. Rather than remove his hat, instead he held true to his spiritual belief and was forced from the bar.”

“How many members are in this spiritual program that your client is engaged in?” Justice David Cohen asked.

“Your honor, we don’t allege the amount of individuals,” said white Greg’s attorney.

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“So it’s a creed of one?” the judge asked.

“Yes, your honor,” said the legal representative of Greg the Caucasian.

Cohen went to his chambers to consider the case. After an hour, the judge dismissed the case, explaining to Greg that he was not tossed from the Happiest Hour for religious reasons but because of “perceived support of Donald Trump,” which was not illegal. The employee was probably just trying to make the bar great again.

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Although Greg lost the case, I now understand why 35-40 percent of Americans still support Trump. He’s Christ for wypipo. He’s the Orange Messiah.

Listen, guys. This is not what we meant when we told y’all to admit that Jesus was a person of color.