Joe Biden Says Statues of Christopher Columbus, Thomas Jefferson and George Washington Should Be Protected

A goofy in his political habitat
A goofy in his political habitat
Photo: Scott Olson (Getty Images)

In a world where you, an elderly white man, are in a presidential race in which you are trying to defeat the super boss evil overlord orange elderly white man with the (alleged) Adderall sniffs, how do you overcome his rabidly racist base while still trying to seemingly stay on the side of right?


If you are former Vice President Joseph Robinette Biden Jr., you might think it’s a great idea to speak out against tearing down the statues of Christopher Columbus, Thomas Jefferson and George Washington—all of whom in some form or another did harm to Black people and other people of color in this country. According to Biden, however, their racism and genocidal tendencies weren’t as bad as those other dudes who actually, you know, fought to keep slavery as an institution.

Newsweek reports that when asked about his thoughts on the many monuments and statues of Confederate leaders being torn down around the country, Biden said: “Taking down, toppling the Christopher Columbus statue or the George Washington statue, I think that is something that the government has an opportunity and a responsibility to protect from happening.”


He then went on to explain what he believes the distinction is between Columbus, Jefferson and Washington versus those other racist white dudes in history.

“I think there is a distinction between...reminders and remembrances of history, and recovering from history,” he said, citing former New Orleans Mayor Mitch Landrieu who said in 2017 “There is a difference between remembrance of history and reverence of it.”

The white man with a middle name that sounds like its parents were born enslaved went on to say that even though George Washington owned slaves and “may have [done] things in the past that are now and then distasteful,” he’s still wayyyyyyyyyyy different than the regular slave owners.

“Sure, Thomas Jefferson repeatedly raped one of his female slaves, forced her to bear his children and then enslaved them as well, but that’s not as bad as, say, committing treason or fighting against his fellow countrymen to keep slavery in place,” the sentient eggplant in the bespoke suit said.


Just kidding. He didn’t say that.

What he actually said was: “The idea of comparing whether or not George Washington owned slaves or Thomas Jefferson owned slaves and somebody who was in rebellion, committing treason, and running trying to take down the Union to keep slavery—I think there is a distinction there,” and that is just as fucking bad as the statement that I made up, because how tone-deaf and white do you have to be to rationalize slave owners as heroes in any way, shape, form or fashion?


“I think the idea of bringing down all those Confederate monuments to Confederate soldiers and generals who strongly supported succession and the maintenance of slavery, and going to war to do it, I think those statues belong in museums,” Biden said, before going on to say that statues and monuments such as the Jefferson Memorial should be protected by the government because they are a “remembrance.”

And there you have it, folks. Coming to you live from the salad bowl, the vegetable that could possibly be our next president wants to leave remembrances that slavery was here, but that the people who participated in it sometimes did good things.


After all, as his competitor said, “There’s good people on both sides.”

Whiteness is a helluva drug.

And Joe Biden is a whole-ass goofy.



I kind of agree with Biden’s sentiment here: Washington was first president, had a huge impact in the birth of this country and its early years, despite whatever vile things he’s done in regards to slavery...he’s literally an integral part of our history. Jefferson is another person right up there, he wrote the Declaration of Independence, and the Constitution...the foundations of our government. Columbus can fuck right off, he “discovered” a land that was already settled and visited by other Europeans centuries prior.

Washington and Jefferson are problematic due to their ties to slavery and their lack of abolishing it during their day, but they have an undeniable impact with the birth and development of our county we can’t ignore. I say remember the good, but don’t forget the bad either. No person is perfect, everyone has their dark side, and it shouldn’t have to be said, but please remember this was normal for Americans at the time and their moral compass was pointing differently than ours does today. Our morality will likely be viewed similarly in the future.  Remember them, but remember them without bias as they did both good and bad. Columbus can still fuck off.