By now, you’re all aware of the internet smoke wars revolving around former NBA player Kwame Brown, but here’s a quick recap anyway.
Cash shit got talked about Brown and his less than illustrious pro-basketball career on a recent episode of Matt Barnes and Stephen Jackson’s podcast, All of the Smoke. Gilbert Arenas had the most to say, but Brown took an “anybody can get it” approach to responding to the comments and he basically told Jackson, Barnes, Arenas and others to STFU, keep his name out of their mouths and stop using their platforms to take down Black men. Then Jackson and them were all like, “nah bruh, it was just jokes.” Then Barnes—who Brown has repeatedly referred to as “becky with the good hair”—went on ESPN and basically said to Brown: “Fuck you nigga, talk that shit to Michael Jordon for making you a No. 1 draft pick, beyotch!” (At this point, I’m largely paraphrasing the back and forth.) Brown said some more incendiary shit about Barnes and them in response and then Barnes invited him to come on the podcast and also to square up.
In a lengthy Instagram post, Brown told Barnes, “Man, ain’t nobody finna come on your show or fight your light-skinned-Jesus-Shuttlesworth-face-ass”—(again, paraphrasing)—and berated Barnes for something about letting his girl make him “jump over a gate” of a house he paid for, which was apparently a reference to an incident involving Derek Fisher dating Barnes estranged wife Gloria Govan. (I actually had to read up on that whole drama because I clearly missed those episodes of Real Husbands of Housewives of Basketball Niggas and had to get myself caught up on things.)
Anyway, Jemele Hill enters the chat.
On Tuesday, the sports journalist did what everyone else on social media has been doing since the saga began and made a whimsical comment on how Brown has basically become the Macho Man Randy Savage of the basketball world and how she doesn’t want any of that smoke coming her or her mother’s way.
“Kwame Brown got me checking the tape to make sure I ain’t ever said shit about him. If I did, I’m sorry,” Hill wrote. “Please don’t talk about my momma.”
Earlier, Hill had also posted a different tweet about Brown “choosing violence.”
That violence tweet didn’t go over very well with Brown, who—*in my best M.J. voice*—took that personally.
“Jemele Hill, good morning. Good morning Black queen,” Brown said to Hill in an Instagram post. “You said all weekend I was being violent so that leads me to believe something is a little off about you. Ms. Hill, mam I have children and you just lied on me and you on deck.”
Clearly, Brown doesn’t understand what “choosing violence” means in internet meme speech, so Hill attempted to explain it to him.
“To Kwame Brown: I said you CHOSE violence,” she tweeted. “It’s an expression from Game of Thrones. I didn’t call you violent. Please, and thank you.”
The moral of the story here is simple: Just stop saying shit about Kwame.
In fact, no more references to any Browns real or fictional. Let’s just steer clear of all the Browns—James Brown, Chris Brown, Bobby Brown, Judge Joe Brown, Zac Brown Band, Charlie Brown, Nino Brown etc. Let’s not even reference Pam Grier because of her involvement in the movies Foxy Brown and Jackie Brown.
Shit, while we’re at it, let’s stay away from anything that sounds like “Kwame.” No more words or phrases with a prominent K and W in them. If kiwis are your favorite fruit, just keep that shit to yourself. You no longer listen to Kanye West; only “Ye,” “Yeezy” or “Yeezus” are acceptable. Keke Wyatt is no longer your favorite female vocalist; you gotta go with J-Hud or Fantasia in public settings from now on.
Sorry guys, I don’t make the rules; Kwame Brown does, and I don’t want any smoke.