Hell hath no fury like a self-righteous messy bitch who lives for the drama of being scorned.
In what has rightly been sold as the most anticipated congressional hearing in modern political history, former FBI Director James Comey appeared before the Senate Intelligence Committee to publicly contradict various claims by President
Donald Trump Sweet Potato Saddam about their private conversations that preceded Comey’s eventual firing.
Shortly before taking his seat in front of the committee, Comey walked down the floor like Lurch about to cover Beyoncé. Comey could easily have thrown on a freakum dress because he absolutely performed as well as was hoped for by many watching.
Noting that the committee had already read his testimony that was made public the previous day, Comey opted not to repeat those remarks but instead opted to more or less sing an emotional ballad dedicated to the FBI and his now former colleagues. When Comey said, “The FBI is honest, the FBI is strong and the FBI will always be independent,” I imagine that a chorus of black folks and others who know better let out the heartiest of laughs. Nonetheless, after Comey sang the bureau’s praises and blew air kisses to old co-workers, he was ready to tear the club up and promptly proceeded to open questioning.
What was noticeably comical about questions from the Democratic senators is that most of them prefaced their inquiries with the sentiment, “I don’t really like your ass and I haven’t forgotten what you did during the election, but what Saddle Tan Nixon did to you was some bullshit.” This was especially true for the vice chair of the intel committee, Sen. Mark Warner (D-Va.), who gave a spirited performance in the role of Messy Mya.
As for the Republican senators, the overwhelming majority of them tried to make Comey look like some kind of punk-ass bitch for not telling 45 directly that he was being inappropriate, if not two-stepping right toward obstruction of justice. Now, the Republicans as a collective weren’t critical of that orange megalomaniac with a penchant for self-destruction during the primary or general election, and they have repeatedly dropped to their knees and cowered under President Sunny D Zedong, but Comey is purportedly the one who lacks courage.
However, Comey was remarkable in his testimony because throughout the questioning, he managed to be self-critical—including acknowledging that perhaps he could have tapped into his inner Cowardly Lion toward the end of The Wiz. Comey was also incredibly detailed whenever he was called to recount past conversations with 45, Attorney General Jeff Sessions and anyone else related to the subject behind his testimony. Comey continually went, “Let me see if I recall” as he would go on to provide receipt after receipt in multiple exchanges.
In addition, Comey relentlessly sold himself as a patriot of almost G.I. Joe-like proportions as he explained again and again that it is love of country that should have everyone concerned about Russia’s meddling in the most recent election.
What I enjoyed most, though, was Comey’s open display of bitterness. Comey was never going to flat-out say that 45 obstructed justice, but he sure did provide an ample amount of reasoning and information to help others conclude that he did.
I mean, if you’re going to be a main reason that we must suffer through this administration, James Comey, the least you could do is help clean up the mess you helped make.
Comey had every right to believe that a noted con man who started a fake university and has a long-standing habit of treating the truth like an archnemesis would ultimately lie on him.
And when he told Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif.), “Lordy, I hope there are tapes,” I cackled. It’s fair to assume that 45 was lying per usual and no such tapes exist. Even if they do, though, they are officially the Detox of U.S. politics.
Another laugh-inducing moment came courtesy of Comey’s revelation that he had a friend—a professor at Columbia Law at that—leak the existence of the memos he made about 45 shortly before his firing became public. Of 45’s many faults, one of the biggest is that he assumes he is smarter and thus can outmaneuver his foes. Yeah, a disgruntled former employee very much committed to his reputation and who knows a thing or two about how to handle a public appearance is not the person you want to mess with. See: this entire hearing.
Then there was the matter of Attorney General “Segregation Now, Segregation Forever,” who apparently directed Comey to call the investigation a “matter” instead of an “investigation.” Unfortunately, we learned that his predecessor, Loretta Lynch, made a similar request to Comey about the investigation into Clinton’s emails. Attorney General Lo-Ly, you knew better. Tsk, tsk.
That said, let’s all take comfort that Comey also alluded to the reality that AG Confederacy may be in far more trouble over his dealings with Muva Russia than we thought. May that Alabama doo-doo bug be dragged out of his position sooner rather than later.
This statement also deserves chuckles because it’s a carefully crafted sentiment that Comey surely knows will rile up 45.
And while I join the Democrats in not really fooling with Comey like that, I do feel sorry for anyone who has to watch Sunny D Zedong eat, much less watch him eat, when he could’ve been out with bae on date night.
Before we proceed to the jackasses of the day, shout out to Sen. Kamala Harris (D-Calif.) for asking pointed, smart questions as the lone prosecutor on the committee, and who thankfully wasn’t met with another rude, old white man interrupting her to lecture her about manners, like what happened Wednesday. Republicans kept trying to parse 45’s use of the word “hope” to try to act as if he wasn’t really trying to push Comey into laying off of Michael Flynn and firing him for refusing to do so.
As Harris noted, “When a robber holds a gun to your head and says, ‘I hope you’ll give me your wallet,’ I don’t think ‘hope’ is the operative phrase.”
OK, for the losers:
Obviously, anyone associated with 45’s administration. Moving on, Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla.) is a special brand of pathetic, and for him to have the nerve to question Comey’s courage when he barks on command for the guy he branded a con only a year ago is something. And while Speaker of the House Paul Ryan was not in the room, he did say that 45 is so new at government, he probably wasn’t steeped in the protocols of what was appropriate to discuss with the DOJ, FBI, etc. Gargamel is a hot pile of garbage, and it’s infuriating how Smurf-Killer Face gets away with his cowardice.
Mind you, 45 has openly boasted about paying off elected officials for decades, so it’s hard to believe that he didn’t know what he was doing.
Still, the biggest loser of the day may be Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.), who was a guest of the committee and was the last to ask Comey any questions. Sadly for McCain, he sounded like an old fool who was confused about what was happening, yet determined to have his say anyway. Not to be ageist, since there are some 80-year-olds who remain sharp as a tack, but McCain isn’t one of them; he’s about as sharp as the end of a pillow.
Put McCain and this disastrous administration all in rice.
As for you, Comey, you gave me the Real Housewives-Love & Hip Hop reunion moments that I needed.