It’s Officially Kyrie Irving O’Clock

If you thought something as insignificant as a COVID-19 mandate in New York City that requires people to provide proof of vaccination in order to enter arenas, gyms, restaurants, and other indoor venues would keep a seven-time NBA All-Star in his prime from playing a single game of NBA basketball this season let me just ROFLMAO right now. Because boyyyyyyyyyyyy, do you have life fucked up.

I’m not a conspiracy theorist, but it’s painfully obvious that Kyrie Irving—whose unapologetically unvaccinated ass made it abundantly clear that he was prepared to die on his $186 million hill—co-conspired with Vladimir Putin to create Omicron in some seedy lab straight out of a Saturday morning cartoon and unleash it upon billions of unsuspecting Earthers. In turn, said virus would completely derail the NBA’s billion-dollar empire and force the league to trot out a record 541 players (and counting) in order to stay afloat. And out of desperation, and with nobody else to turn to, the Brooklyn Nets would be like, “Oh hey, Kyrie! Remember when we threw all your shit on the curb like a Sunshine Anderson music video and told you to keep your Black ass the hell away from us until you get that vaccine? Well, LOLZER! It was a joke! You feel like playing tonight?”

Then Kyrie ugly-cried tears of anti-vaxx joy and was like, “They like me! They really like me! OMG! Sure!” but then he caught COVID-19 himself and fucked things up even worse for the Nets? Well, now we’ve entered the second act of this riveting Omicron soap opera, in which Kevin Durant, LaMarcus Aldridge, and the mastermind behind this insidious plan, Kyrie Irving himself, have all cleared the NBA’s health and safety protocols. And per CBS Sports, that means the rest of the league is about to be in some serious trouble.

“It’s hard to say, but I would say probably somewhere between a week and two weeks,” Nets coach Steve Nash said of when we can expect Kyrie to return to the court. “He’s isolating, so that kinda puts another layer to the ramp-up. It’s not like he’s been working out. I’d imagine it’s going to be closer to two weeks once he comes out of protocols. We’ll see how it goes though because we have to evaluate him from a physical and performance standpoint, and then a basketball standpoint as well.”

Despite playing without Kyrie all season and being on the receiving end of a nasty COVID-19 outbreak that robbed the team of just about everybody not named Wenyen Gabriel, the Nets are still at the top of the Eastern Conference with a 23-9 record. Add an elite scorer and ball-handler like Irving to the mix—even though he’ll still only be eligible to play in away games—and the NBA playoffs just got infinitely more interesting.

I guess it’s safe to say that Kyrie’s maniacal plan worked since he’ll be back on the court in a couple of weeks, but unleashing Omicron on the rest of us was kind of a dick move.

Regardless, I hope the Phoenix Suns and Golden State Warriors are ready for the three-headed monster of Kevin Durant, James Harden, and Kyrie Irving.