It's E3 This Weekend! So Let's Talk About Everything That's Not Going to Happen

Why wait for the press conferences to break your heart when I can just do so right now?

Illustration for article titled It's E3 This Weekend! So Let's Talk About Everything That's Not Going to Happen
Photo: Bildgigant (Shutterstock)

It’s that glorious time of the year where all the biggest game studios wheel out meticulously crafted, gameplay-light trailers for games that will likely be delayed into the next year, a.k.a E3! I’m sure you’ve seen many articles about what might be announced this weekend. Seeing as our play cousins at Kotaku have that covered, I figured why not take the opposite approach and tell you what ain’t gonna happen?

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I mean, what’s the point in waiting for the game developers to break your hearts when I can simply do the job myself?

Grand Theft Auto VI

At this point, I’m honestly skeptical if GTA VI is ever going to come out. Considering that they’re making money hand over fist with GTA Online, there doesn’t seem to be a real incentive to disrupt a consistent cash cow. Additionally, when I hear the News Editor for The Root/Queen of Los Santos, Monique Judge talk about her exploits in GTA Online it’s abundantly clear that the tried-and-true GTA formula might be kind of washed.

Also, the fact that we had a new generation of consoles launch and Rockstar decided to announce the port of the now almost decade-old GTA V instead of a new title in the series kind of sends the message that they’re not really pressed on changing things up anytime soon.

Gameplay of Metroid Prime 4

Listen. It’s been four years since they announced this game and we haven’t even seen a hint of gameplay. Considering that development on the title restarted in 2019, I’m not even sure a functional prototype of the game exists. We probably have a better chance of getting a release date for The Legend of Zelda: Breath the Wild 2 than we do seeing anything on this game.

A Release Date for Beyond Good and Evil 2

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ah shit, b, you thought. Anyway, moving on.

A Reasonable Chance at Getting a PS5 or Xbox Series X

I keep telling myself that it’s fine I don’t have a PS5, and it would be easy to believe that if I wasn’t constantly being inundated with commercials for the incredible looking Ratchet and Clank: Rift Apart. If I could, I would snatch up a PS5 right this instant so I can be reunited with my favorite Lombax.

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That ain’t gonna happen though.

Sure, console bundles might technically go on sale this weekend to mark the occasion, and sure, websites might actually restock them throughout the weekend, but unless they suddenly unveil an S-tier bot repellant, it’s looking like the majority of us are probably going to be chilling in the last gen for the immediate future.

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I had half a mind to put Elden Ring on this list, but I see From Software and George R.R Martin decided to give y’all your juice today. While these titles aren’t likely to be seen this weekend, that doesn’t mean there isn’t a lot to look forward to! I’m really, really, really, hoping that Halo: Infinite actually looks good this year, because I truly don’t know if my heart can handle two mediocre Halo games in a row.

If you’re curious about when and where you can see all the press conferences this weekend, here you go.

The stylin', profilin', limousine riding, jet flying, wheelin' and dealin' nerd of The Root.

DISCUSSION

rewind4thatbehind
Rewind4ThatBehind

Beyond Good & Evil 2 hurts because I don’t even know how many people would care for it after all this time.

GTA 6 just feels like a goal for sadists at this point. The same way getting a PS5 does.

*shudders at the thought of how much work I put in just to get my Series X*

But Metroid 4? Nintendo needs to stop playing around.