Is President Willy Wonka Trying to Reopen the Government Chocolate Factory?

Illustration for article titled Is President Willy Wonka Trying to Reopen the Government Chocolate Factory?
Photo: Win McNamee (Getty Images)

Dueling proposals (read, dicks) are going to be voted on this Thursday as the white men controlling the rest of the planet have reached some sort of agreement that might allow government black folks back to work.


From the Hill

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) set up two votes for Thursday afternoon, both of which will require 60 votes to advance.

The first vote will be on President Trump’s proposal to to reopen the government, provide $5.7 billion in funding for the border wall and extend legal protections to some immigrants for three years. If that fails, the Senate would then vote on a three-week continuing resolution (CR).

There is no guarantee that either bill can get the votes to pass and break the months-long stalemate that has closed roughly a quarter of the government. But the deal between McConnell and Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-N.Y.) is the first glimmer of progress after weeks of entrenched back-and-forth.


The one white guy (Schumer) thanked the other white guy that looks like a turtle on Xanax (McConnell) after the two bills had been placed on the books.

“We have a second amendment that could break us out of the morass we are in. … For the first time, we will get a vote on whether to open the government without any decision one way or the other on border security,” Schumer said.

Because the president is a stunt drama queen who lives for the cameras, this news comes as the White House reportedly wanted to do a walkthrough for the State of the Union.

From CNN:

Over the holiday weekend, the White House asked for—but was denied—a walk-through by the House of Representatives’ sergeant-at-arms in preparation of the speech. Still, on Tuesday a senior White House official said the administration is “moving forward” with plans for the speech at the US Capitol.

White House officials have continued working on the President’s speech and been mulling other plans for its delivery in the event Trump cannot address the joint session of Congress next week.


This honestly sounds like the White House is willing to open the government long enough for the president to spout his bullshit from the House podium only for the president to shut the shit back down if he doesn’t get his border wall money.

President Don Snow isn’t that callous, is he?

Of course, he is!

And don’t worry—none of this is going anywhere since no one thinks any of these proposed plans will garner the 60 votes needed to pass, which means that the president is planning to deliver his SOTU address on the House stairs because ... of course he would.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

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Mitch McConnell, who derisively said he wouldn’t hold any show votes for bills he knows the president won’t sign, is prepared to cynically hold a show vote he knows the House won’t sign.