In society, we have this thing called “pretty privilege.”
How it works is that if you’re conventionally attractive, your life tends to be a bit easier than the rest of us who resemble a half-eaten breakfast burrito. Your social interactions are much more fruitful, you appear to be more confident and trustworthy, you get the pick of the litter in the dating pool—unless you’ve just got a thing for ugly niggas—and your professional aspirations tend to be far more rewarding.
In sports, teams could give less than a shit about how you look. But if you can put up 30 points a game or propel a franchise to its first Super Bowl berth, trust and believe those same teams will be tripping over themselves to extend a similar degree of grace.
James Harden is abusing the shit out of those privileges as we speak, but the true founder and pioneer of “Kiss my ass! I’m the best player on this team!” is the spiritual successor of David Ruffin himself, Mr. Antonio “Fuck Yo Couch” Brown.
In 11 NFL seasons, he’s solidified his status as one of the most productive receivers in the history of the game, collecting almost 12,000 receiving yards (and counting), snagging 77 TDs (and counting), and adding 875 receptions (and counting) for good measure. During that same period, however, he’s berated and quit on his teammates, been involved in a number of violent incidents, been accused of sexual assault and intimidation, burned bridges with three different teams (and counting), and has pretty much done everything possible to prove he’s a vile human being who doesn’t deserve the privilege of playing in the NFL.
But because he’s a transcendent athlete, his “pretty privilege” ensures he will always find a locker room to call home despite his myriad problems off the field—which brings us to today.
After Tom Brady spent his offseason begging and pleading for the Bucs to bring his BFF into the fold despite their disinterest, Brown knew he was on thin ice when the Bucs eventually relented. After agreeing to terms, he was warned to stay on his best behavior—or else—but do you think that prevented the inevitable backslide?
In November, we learned that Brown had unleashed chaos yet again. This time destroying a security camera in his gated community in Hollywood, Fla., two weeks before joining the Bucs. Aaaaaand how did the Bucs respond? By Kanye shrugging.
“We are aware of the reported incident involving Antonio Brown prior to his signing,” the team said in a statement. “When Antonio joined us, we were clear about what we expected and required of him. Thus far, he has met all the expectations we have in place.”
And now, roughly a month later, the Miami Herald has released footage of the star receiver’s violent outburst—which you can watch here if grown men throwing temper tantrums is your ministry.
As for those wondering what in the hell would possess a grown-ass man to throw his bike and break a security camera, I have no idea. But Sporting News does:
A guest arrived at Hollywood Oaks (Brown’s residence) in a car, but a security officer informed them that Brown has “gate restrictions,” meaning he needed to be at the gate for the guest to be allowed in. Brown soon showed up on a bicycle and allegedly told the guard, “Why are you wasting my fucking time, you need to let my guest through the fucking gate.”
After that, Brown approached the security guard’s shack and began to hit and break the surveillance camera. It was unclear what Brown was hitting it with. After Brown left and the guest again requested to enter and was denied, Brown returned and threw his bike at the security gate arm, causing it to be stuck in the upright position. The police report also stated that Brown called the security guard “a racist bitch.”
Antonio Brown, ladies and gentlemen.
But the real question is if the Hollywood Police Department “exceptionally cleared” the case on Nov. 5 after the homeowners’ association declined to press charges due to fear of retaliation, and the Bucs turned a blind eye like the rest of the league has done for years, what’s Brown’s incentive to properly address whatever mental health/anger issues have caused him to become an increasingly violent danger to the general public?
I guess when you have pretty privilege, those aren’t the type of things you have to worry about.