How To Get Jay Z To Stop Threatening Us With New Music

Larry Busacca/Getty Images for NARAS
Larry Busacca/Getty Images for NARAS

For the past two years, malicious rumors of a Beyonce/Jay Z joint album have terrorized us on the internet. Vague ‘sources’ have been quoted everywhere from Rap Up to Vanity Fair, claiming that the cursed release is set to have a surprise stream on Tidal. This is a particularly harmful threat to a long time Jay Z stan like myself, still nursing the trauma from his "Poundcake" verse and other erroneous features — like that limerick he gave Drake — that only serve as additional dents on his already battered legacy. To make matters worse, Jay Z has stoked more fear into the hearts of millions by offering a new verse on the remix of Fat Joe and Remy Ma’s "All The Way Up." Remy sounds better than ever, and even Joe sounds a bit refreshed. But Jay…Jay offers the rap equivalent of a $25 Black Angus gift card. You're not gonna turn down that gift card, but its still Black Angus, so no one is getting excited about that shit.


My face contorted as I heard him name drop the success of his artistically better half's recent album, and the elevator incident..that Bey had also…already mentioned. I audibly groaned when I heard him utter "its survival of the littest" and make a David Lachapelle reference that harkened back to the days where both he and VIBE were pop culture standards of excellence. Is this foreshadowing? Does this mean that Satan’s busy ass is working a double shift and Jay is going to plague this world with a response to Lemonade or, even worse, a joint album with Bey? Each possibility is horrifying; a Jay Lemonade response is an unknown horror. Aside from "Song Cryand "Lost Ones" we’re not sure what else to expect of a Jay album that is supposed to mirror an arguable testament to the trials of his marriage. A joint album is a more familiar punishment, as Jay and Beyonce have miraculously managed to make some of the worst music of their careers with each other. I’m also not fond of Jay sullying Bey’s musical winning streak with his stench of recent wackness, need I remind you all of his "Drunk In Love" verse? Exactly.

However, I feel a solo Jay project is more imminent. So, I have crafted some key suggestions to act as strikes against this orange level threat of new Sean Carter material.

1. Kidnap Timbaland, and Justin Timberlake

Deposit them into an unknown location for at least two to three years. Timbaland and JT are usual suspects when it comes to who Jay looks for when its time to make tepid music, as Timbo was largely responsible for Magna Carter Holy Grail. Maybe if they are not available, this will discourage him, and buy us some more time, until he goes to some monastery in Nepal to unearth Rick Rubin.

2. Pay Foxy Brown to tail him and follow him to all his favorite studio locations.

If there's one person Jay seems to ignore and avoid on purpose, it's Foxy, theories as to why notwithstanding. She can serve as a powerful asset to the Stop Jay Z agenda. I’d wager that she is not that quick to turn down a check, we can groupfund her payments. Perhaps the mere site of Inga Marchand and her steely piercing blue contacts glaring at him, while she’s pacing back and forth in front of his creative spaces — and threatening to plunder him with her Louis Speedy bag — will hinder his process.


3. Hack into Tidal

Undoubtedly any and everything Jay releases will be a Tidal "exclusive" and I’m sure he’d want the roll out for such a project to go as smooth as possible. The anti Anti release. Hacking into the Tidal database (because according to all computer hacker movies, it’s always the database or system mainframe) and shaking his confidence in the possibility of said roll out having a seamless execution will buy us time. I don’t know exactly what message to send after hacking it, but make it something ominous. Post Peedi Crack mixtapes, recent Jaz O interviews. WHATEVER IT TAKES.


4. Remind him that Kingdom Come happened, and plea to his humanity

Jay hates Kingdom Come as much as we do. On his own Life and Times website, he ranked his albums from best to worst. Not surprisingly, Kingdom Come was listed as No. 12 with the caption “First game back, don’t shoot me.” He knows. What Jay attempted with Kingdom Come is what he will likely attempt at a new album meant to be a response to Bey’s Lemonade, a mature window into his adult life and his vulnerability. What resulted from such ambitions in the past is an album that should only be played as an act of mental warfare. The probability of similar wackness is very high. I propose we compile a short documentary, interviewing how Jay Z fans felt listening to the album, and how we’ve learned to heal and move past it. Make it go viral, enter it into every pretentious film festival possible until he has no choice but to face our scars.


5. Time travel

I haven’t sussed out all the details on the proposal yet. Just know that things can get very dark going down this road, and it is a point of no return.


Sure my reaction might seem hyperbolic and my plans impossible to people with no imagination or faith in magic and technology. But, I’m willing to do whatever it takes to prevent having to be subjected to my favorite rapper further destroying my youthful admiration with his aggressive mediocrity. A rapper of Jay’s age even still maintaining a modicum of relevance for all these years in such a youth driven genre is a feat, yes I’ll admit. However, seeing Jay become the rapper he is today is like seeing an aging Batman in a urologist's office.

Jay. Pls stahp :-(



you want me to get in my feelings Danielle but I'm not finna do it. Sure every song with his wife is a sh*t show….outside of On The Run II which we both no is fuckin fuego….sure rappin at 50 your nowhere near in touch as you think you are with the culture…..but this is muhfuggin Hov!!! Like, he gets his bars off when it's time. Remember his "3 Kings Verse" or the entire "Picasso Baby" or 3/4 of the WTT album or all of American Gangster?!?! That All the Way Up verse was somethin for him to get on that Summer Jam stage with that people could easily remember….yes Remy washed him like a fluff and fold but Remy is a prob-lem.
they counted the Warriors out and look what happened….some felt like because they were light skinned they prevailed which isn't exactly false but the truth is when you have that much skill you always bounce back.
Keep the faith. And play Reasonable Doubt often.