How Machiavelli Mitch McConnell Got Kicked Out of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Illustration for article titled How Machiavelli Mitch McConnell Got Kicked Out of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Photo: Drew Angerer (Getty Images)

Everyone knows Leonardo, Michelangelo, Raphael and Donatello but no one knows the story of Machiavelli Mitch McConnell. The short version goes like this: Machiavelli Mitch wouldn’t wear his mask because he didn’t believe that he could catch the coronavirus. He also refused to change his name to a renaissance artist because he was all pissed that Michelangelo was taken. He constantly argued with Master Splinter and often agreed with Shredder. In fact, he often voted with Shredder’s policies and was believed to be pushing Shredder’s agenda in the Senate.


A blowup between Machiavelli Mitch and Donatello—in which D threatened to shove his bo-staff up Mitch’s ass—led to Mitch being kicked out of the crew. Since then, Machiavelli Mitch has been a lone turtle looking for a fight, except he’s an old tortoise now and his skin is all flabby and no one fucks with him.

Senate Majority Leader Machiavelli Mitch McConnell said visiting Wakanda professor and former U.S. President Barack Obama “should’ve kept his mouth shut,” to which Obama forcefully replied in my head, “Come shut my mouth up, with your Mitch-ass!”

The moment happened during a Trump campaign live-stream event and of course, was referring to President Trump ham-fisted handling of the coronavirus pandemic.

“I think it’s a little bit classless, frankly, to critique an administration that comes after you. You had your shot. You were there for eight years. I think the tradition that the Bushes set up — of not critiquing the president who comes after you — is a good tradition,” CNN reports.

Fuck this saggy-neck ass former member of one of the finest turtle crews ever assembled. Also fuck-fuck this guy. Seriously. Trump keeps Obama’s good name in his mouth and our forever president has all but ignored the disaster that has been this administration, even when he’s been goaded to speak on it. But people are dying, en masse, but Trump and Machiavelli Mitch have been concerned about one thing: the economy.


And let’s be clear, Obama still hasn’t publicly called out this Cleveland Browns-ass administration. The comments in which Obama reportedly called the Trump administration’s handling of the coronavirus pandemic an “absolute chaotic disaster” happened “during a private call Friday night with people who worked for him in the White House and across his administration,” CNN reports. It wasn’t intended for the public but some asshole taped and leaked the conversation, and because Trump has built his shaky White House on denouncing Obama and his presidency, Machiavelli Mitch couldn’t wait to pounce.

But, telling the first black president that he should’ve “kept his mouth shut” is teetering very close to down talking a black man and is liable to send both Michelle and Barack to fuck his saggy-neck ass up. I’m not advocating violence, as that would be like the president and the tiki torch mob, but Machiavelli Mitch needs to stop acting like he’s got a four-turtle crew to back him up. Machiavelli Mitch is blowing the fuck out of that racist dog whistle that excites Trump’s base—you know the whistle that has a white man speaking to a former president like this is the Jim Crow South.


There’s a reason Machiavelli Mitch didn’t make it with the turtles; they stood on the right side of history and believed in good and honesty. Machiavelli Mitch was never going to make it and he knew that. Reportedly after being kicked out, Machiavelli Mitch continued to reside in the sewer where he still lives to this day.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.


kidelo (i have a tiktok)

“should’ve kept his mouth shut,”

now don’t go getting uppity, boy

“should’ve kept his mouth shut,”

boy, you better know. your. place.

“should’ve kept his mouth shut,”

i didn’t hear nobody asking you, boy

Mint julep sipping frog neck racial beard marrying bug eyed bigot.