How Do We Break Up With Russia After Valentine’s Day and Not Look Like a Dick?

Drew Angerer/Getty Images
Drew Angerer/Getty Images

Seriously, Valentine’s Day just passed, and while we don’t want to be a dick about it, Russia is starting to become the girlfriend who comes over unannounced, and it’s gone from being cute to creepy.


On Tuesday a Russian spy ship was found just chilling off the coast of Delaware. It’s almost like the Russians have secret tapes of our president enjoying a pee-pee shower in a Russian hotel.

And as if the spy ship weren’t bad enough, also on Tuesday, the Kremlin was out here secretly deploying new cruise missiles, according to Fox News.

According to several news reports, the Russian SSV-175 ship Viktor Leonov was in international waters 70 miles from Delaware. It was unclear where the ship was going—or, more importantly, what the fuck it was doing near the United States of America.

I’m sure the Russian ship wasn’t coming to see us but was just in the neighborhood going to meet some friends when it was spotted.


The New York Times reports that this isn’t the first time Russia was out here being weird. During the Obama administration, it reportedly violated a 1987 arms-control treaty with the U.S. when it launched intermediate-range missiles.


Now Russia is out here secretly deploying a SSC-8 cruise missile that it’s been developing and testing for years. And you know Comrade Trump ain’t tripping. In fact, he probably knew weeks before it was revealed to the public.

Or, better yet, as an official from Trump’s administration told the New York Post: “It’s not a huge concern, but we are keeping our eyes on it.”


This feels so strange and wrong. I really wish someone in the Trump administration would just come out and say (Cardi B voice), “Look, we are married to Russia, and when we took those vows it was forever,” so that we can stop acting as if this is a shock. In fact, the issue at this point isn’t that we’re in bed with Russia; it’s how do we get out and leave before Russia wakes up and realizes we’re gone?



DELAWARE? *looks at google maps to estimate distance from Hachi’s desk*

FUCK IT I’M OUT! Delaware is wayyyyy too fucking close. Northeast, I love you but I need to leave.