Who is Beyoncé?
Beyoncé is an introverted Houstonian known best for being allergic to seats—like, literally every seat she’s ever seen makes her sneeze—and for inventing “surfborting.”
Yes. Surfborting. She’s the world’s first—and probably the world’s only—professional surfborter.
Is she known for anything else?
Well, for approximately 171 million Americans and 1.4 billion people worldwide, Beyoncé is everything. Not a “person.” Or a “woman.” Or “just a very successful and popular entertainer.” Or even “a surfborting maven.” But every single thing. There is nothing she is not.
Let me put it this way: Do you remember season 1 of Game of Thrones, when Khaleesi and Khal Drogo would refer to each other as “sun and stars” and “moon of my life”? The show’s writers got their inspiration for those lines by following members of the Beyhive.
OK, I get it. They love them some Beyoncé. Why is she in the news this week?
Earlier this week, news broke that Beyoncé spoke during an interview with Beat magazine.
Wait, that’s it? She spoke?
She answered some questions, too, including one about Halloween and another one about jalapeños.
I don’t think you’re understanding my question. So I’ll rephrase: There were no deep insights or secrets revealed, right?
Any news about what she’s planning next?
Any words about the rumors of her and Jay Z having some marriage trouble?
Anything about, I don’t know, subprime lending? Or gravitational time dilation? So the only news was that she … spoke words?
Well, you have to understand, she doesn’t often grant interviews. She was on the cover of Vogue a couple of months ago and basically just gave them the equivalent of a scroll-by Facebook “like.” In the last 24 months, only 37 people have actually heard her speak. She’s basically a Creole version of Pai Mei from Kill Bill.
So the news was that she actually spoke words in an interview, an entity specifically invented to get people to speak actual words?
In so many words, yes.
How was the reaction to this interview?
The usual. Bedlam.
Yes. Bedlam. When Beyoncé talks, or sings, or dances, or releases an album, or releases a song, or releases a fart, or invents a sexual position, or invents a word for the sexual position she just invented, or stands, or makes a face while standing, or says things like “frittata” and “nevermind” and “extra large,” or grants interviews and says nothing during the interview, it often causes a reaction called Beyoncé Derangement Hyperbole Syndrome.
Beyoncé Derangement Hyperbole Syndrome? What’s that?
When Beyoncé does things, people get crazy. They go to church in housecoats, they praise dance at Popeye’s, they say things like “Yaaaaaaaaaaas” and they drink entire bottles of cranberry juice. So crazy, in fact, that it also makes them exaggerate. She is not just a singer. Her “voice lap-dances on Jesus.” She is not just an entertainer. Her concerts make people “lose their religion and get it back before intermission.” She does not perform. She “snatches wigs and edges and wayward teeth.” She is not just pretty. She is “so f—king flawless it makes me want to leap inside my own mouth in shame.” She is not just a wife and a mother. She is “the reason I started believing in black love again.”
Naturally, when she granted an interview and actually decided to bless us with answers, time momentarily stopped while we read it.
Time stopped? You’re not serious, right?
Oh, yes I am. You know how with daylight saving time, we lose an hour? Well, when Beyoncé spoke this week, we literally lost 16 minutes. Whatever time it is now, it’s actually supposed to be 16 minutes later. But time had to stop for us to savor, assess, appreciate and deconstruct answers such as “Destiny's Child ‘Survivor’ era with the Army fatigues—or maybe ‘Bootylicious’ with the gold tooth and pink tips in my hair.” And in my estimation, losing that time forever was worth it.
Oh, you suffer from Beyoncé Derangement Hyperbole Syndrome, too?
I’m writing this while Googling curtain sizes because I want to give my Dodge Charger a partition.
Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VerySmartBrothas.com. He is also a contributing editor at Ebony.com. He lives in Pittsburgh and he really likes pancakes. You can reach him at email@example.com.