Has your “economic anxiety” prevented you from furthering your education? Did the admissions office from your first choice reject your application because of affirmative action (and your grades and SAT scores...but mostly affirmative action)? Are you tired of educational institutions that handicap their students by centering the learning environment around fact-based education? Does your university refuse to allow diet white supremacist speakers on campus just because the people who pay tuition and taxes don’t want their money used to support white supremacy?
Well, now there’s a school for you!
A group of anti-woke academic activists has united to establish the University of Austin, a private non-profit institution dedicated to students who are too busy being attacked by the woke mob to learn things because privilege and whiteness already armed them with everything they need to know. Instead of information, the university will focus on the Caucasian concepts euphemized by buzzwords like “free thought” and “Western civilization.”
Although people who read books know that “western civilization” is just something white people made up because they had no idea that democracy, philosophy, monotheism and the pursuit of knowledge existed long before white people stopped believing the entire world consisted of the European continent (which is not really a continent but we call it a continent because, back then, Europeans couldn’t look at a map of the world and google: “Why is Europe a continent?”). But you wouldn’t learn that at this school because, at the Institute for White Studies, “free thought” is just another way of saying: “Why do I have to believe facts just because they’re true?”
The University of Austin, also known by its abbreviation UATX, is not offering degrees and does not plan to offer an undergraduate degree program until at least 2024. The school is still in the process of securing land in the Austin area for a physical campus, and it is seeking millions in donations for scholarships and to help establish its programs.
The school said it might offer other programs in partnership with an accredited institution until it is accredited.
The planned university is a throwback to tradition in many ways. Contrary to the trend among new universities, it will be based on a physical campus in the Austin, Texas, area, and classes will be taught in person, its founding documents say.
According to the New York Times, the school does not have accreditation, but will open next summer with “Forbidden Courses”–classes that don’t offer college credit but will provide a “spirited discussion about the most provocative questions that often lead to censorship or self-censorship in many universities.” It hopes to gain accreditation in the next few years and...
Wait, so the school has no land, no students, isn’t accredited and won’t give out degrees or even college credits? Then why are we calling this a university and why are news outlets reporting this as if it is a real thing? And I don’t want to be that guy, but someone needs to call out this cultural appropriation. Dr. Umar has been doing this for seven years with the Frederick Douglass/Marcus Garvey Institute for Opening Third Eyes and now white people wanna swoop in and steal his glory.
A commercial for the school that will undoubtedly get trounced during the Boyce Watkins School of Finesse’s homecoming game featured a list of names that include damn near everyone from the Hoover Institution, a right-wing think tank, along with ...Wait. Before we begin, you should know that every word you are about to read is true.
- Niall Ferguson: A historian who champions “counterfactual history” (it’s a thing) and just makes up “false and dangerous apologia,” according to an actual historian.
- Joe Lonsdale: The pro-deadbeat father advocate who hates government handouts but used CIA seed money to found Palantir, a data-mining company whose software tracks Black activists and immigrants.
- Andrew Sullivan: The free speech advocate whose main beef with Nikole Hannah-Jones’ Pulitzer-winning project is that it doesn’t have enough penis size documentation.
- Bari Weiss: The whitest woman ever, who quit her job writing for the most respected news outlet on the planet to warn people how “banishment and rejection awaits if you attempt to depart, even in minor ways, from the sacred ideology of wokeness.”
- Kathleen Stock: Who was walking along minding her own business when she suddenly got labeled as an anti-transgender activist just because she openly campaigned against trans-inclusive laws.
- Peter Boghossian: One of the founders of the “grievance studies” hoax that started the Critical Race Theory hoax before he was murdered on live television by Marc Lamont Hill.
- Glen Loury: A Black economist who is like Thomas Sowell but not as beloved because Sowell is dumb and Loury resorts to the strawman argument about “equality of outcome” to disparage Black progressive philosophy, even though he probably understands that “equality of opportunity” is what people want.
Although this HBCU (Historically Bullshit Caucasian University) only exists in the minds of white people, it must be real because the New York Times reported on it! And if we are going to treat white people’s imaginations as if they are real things, then I have also found a selection of ten courses that probably might be potentially offered at the University of Austin:
- Political Pseudoscience 112: This freshman-level course will teach students how to suppress Black voters, why vote totals don’t matter and why Jesus wants them to vote Republican.
- Wypiponomics 210: Students learn why welfare and government handouts will bankrupt America but tax loopholes, farm subsidies and zero-interest loans eventually “trickle down.”
- Religion 400: Covers the four major white religious deities: Jesus Christ (the white one), the Founding Fathers, Ronald Reagan and Donald Trump.
- White History 101: This class teaches why the Constitution wasn’t about white supremacy just because it made white people supreme. Students will also discover how the brave men of the South won the War for States’ Rights and how the Democratic Party was responsible for slavery even though it didn’t start until 1828.
- Karenology 320: Mostly about speaking to managers.
- Critical Racist Theory 600: This graduate course will explain why white people don’t need to learn about slavery, Jim Crow or racism but still love Confederate flags, the “greatest generation” and “American values.”
- Cultural Philosophy 103: This course is about theoretical cultures such as cancel culture, washcloths, having a “black friend,” and seasoning food.
- Western Civilization 210: The importance of western culture is explained by their discoveries in science, math, philosophy, medicine and language that they developed centuries after Asia, Africa and other advanced cultures.
- Mythology 305: Investigates the origins of popular unconfirmed myths including white privilege, racism and the belief that legs need washing.
- Black History 101: Obviously this is an elective.
The Fighting Yakubians will play in the Continental Region of the Athletic Conference for Knowledge and American Sports (CRACKAS). Aaron Rodgers has already pledged that his firstborn son will start at quarterback in 2040 (as long as Joe Rogan says its ok).
To reverse “higher ed’s lopsided priorities of building up a bureaucracy,” The Statesman reports that UATX only needs $250 million dollars.