Here's 10 Black-Ass Predictions to Consider Since No One Really Knows What the Hell is Going to Happen in 2019

Illustration for article titled Here's 10 Black-Ass Predictions to Consider Since No One Really Knows What the Hell is Going to Happen in 2019
Illustration: Elena Scotti (GMG), Photo: Getty Images, Shutterstock

When it comes to predicting the future, I tend to listen to the wisdom of the black women in my family. Grandmamas, mothers, aunts, play aunts, doesn’t matter, their dreams are damn near unassailable when it comes to predicting your impending future death. (“Baby, I saw you on a train headed straight towards a mountain. I’m so glad that you’re still alive. But keep praying to Jesus because I don’t know what’s gonna happen to you tomorrow.”). It’s the same for your future (perhaps unwanted) babies. (“All I know is that the sky was pink in my dream. Are you sure that hysterectomy took? Doctors make mistakes too, you know.”) 


But I’m on my own here, as The Root has asked me to tap into my own personal Negrodamus and predict what’s gonna happen for 2019. Like everything black, this is a mixture of triumph, doom, and side hustleness. So sit back, relax, and watch as everything I predict comes true, including the lottery numbers to play: 08, 11, 13, 14, 20, 22, 63...bonus number: 06

You’re welcome. Now, here we go...

1. Colin Kaepernick runs for Congress: Yeah, I know Kaep looks at the U.S. political system as being so corrupt he refuses to participate in it, but I have a funny feeling that he’ll evolve on that. Governments are about power, either the use of power for the people or the use of power for those who’ll oppress the people. I can see Kaepernick looking at the example of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and saying, I want a little bit of that.

2. The black housing crash: I’m always paranoid about black folks and housing. Despite the fact that we’re always subject to redlining, and we’ve found out that our homes are undervalued, we tend to use homes as our main piggy banks. With the housing market flat as 2018 ends, I can see those black folks with over-leveraged homes either finding themselves underwater or collapsing, allowing for even more gentrification of black inner city, middle-class neighborhoods.

3. The black Baby Boomer elder-care crisis: I think 2019 is going to be the year black Gen Xers realize they’re wholly unprepared to deal with their black Baby Boomer aging parents. And while this is a serious matter, it’s also a great opportunity for entrepreneurship. If we don’t like retirement homes for our black elders, and we may not have that extra room in our homes for our loved ones, what’s the solution? In a world of Airbnbs and Lyft, I believe there’s a black elder-care solution just waiting to be made.

4. Black-partnership businesses: A 2019 Trump recession is gonna happen, believe me on this. Recessions suck. Folks lose jobs. Bank accounts dwindle. And spending starts to retract. That said, as corporations look at their bottom lines and start cutting out the black demo (you know we’re always the first place they cut), it also provides an opportunity for smart black side hustlers to get a piece of the pie. But in 2019, I believe that we’ll see fewer businesses started by sole proprietors and more partnerships. I can see black businesses popping up all across the country consisting of partnerships and co-ops.

5. Kamala Harris wins the Democratic nomination: The Kamala Harris/Beto O’Rourke ticket is gonna be the winner and Harris will dominate everyone in 2019. Why? Because America always loves hiring black people to clean up their messes.


6. The grassroots rises: In 2019, black folks move from behind the laptop and start getting back into the community. New grassroots organizations like Black Votes Matter are going to be the new Facebook group. Black people are going to look at education, politics, and culture through the lens that’s less corporate and more organically and authentically black. Get you a storefront and create.

7. Netflix will be the new black network:  Channing Dungey. Shonda Rimes. Kenya Barris. Ava DuVernay. Look ‘em up if you ain’t be knowing. But these black folks are holding big money deals at Netflix, and these are the black folks we want with the green light button. Watch as you start seeing must-see “black folks on the television!” shows coming from Netflix in 2019.


8. Morris Brown will rise an HBCU art school: This is the year when Andre 3000 and Big Boi announce they’re purchasing the teetering Morris Brown and turning it into the world’s first HBCU art school, dedicated to music and fine arts students. The world needs this.

9. The Lakers win the NBA championship: Shocking the world, LeBron leads the Meme Team on an upset of the Golden State Warriors and then beats the Sixers in a sweep. After the season, Kevin Durant thinks that if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, and signs a free agent contract with the Lakers.


10. Trump is going to jail: Mueller and his Scooby Doo special prosecutor crew will unmask him and Congress will impeach him. And of course, Trump will say that he would have gotten away with his crimes if it wasn’t for that pesky Steele dossier. And Obama. Always Obama.


PooJavelin Eats Herbs For Lunch!

I’d settle for rage stroke mid-sentence on the crapper Twitter Throne! Half-eaten KFC bargain bucket at his side for bonus points…