I married a wonderful man two years ago. We each have three children from prior marriages. I am a black woman and he is white. My 17-year-old stepdaughter recently thought it would be amusing to post racial slurs (the n-word) on social media. She refused to take responsibility for this, saying that she shouldnโt have to watch what she posts because my children and I are black, and that itโs racist if blacks can use the word and she cannot.
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I found this behavior appalling and offensive, and so do my children. I am the adult here, but this is a hard pill to swallow. How can I try to rise above this and try to act โnormalโ when I see her? (By the way, his children live with their mother a short distance away.) Help!ย โShocked Stepmom
I hate to say it, but this doesnโt surprise me at all.
Letโs consider some context: Noting recent poll results (pdf) indicating that only 30 percent of whites and 46 percent of racial minorities say they were raised in families that talk about race and that 41 percent of white millennials say that the government โpays too much attention to the problems of racial minority groups,โ Slateโs Jamelle Bouie provided in his โWhy Do Millennials Not Understand Racism?โ what I think is a good explanation of your stepdaughterโs outlook:
Millennials have grown up in a world where we talk about race without racismโor donโt talk about it at allโand where โskin colorโ is the explanation for racial inequality โฆ A generation that hates racism but chooses colorblindness is a generation that, through its neglect, comes to perpetuate it.
Sheโs not quite a millennial, but close enough for this to be relevant. And itโs not just a generational thing, either: Just this week we saw poll results indicating that 63 percent of Americans of all ages believe โblacks who canโt get ahead are mostly responsible for their own conditionโโa view that suggests willful ignorance of ongoing structural inequality.
It stands to reason that a kid who wasnโt taught much beyond the standard Black History Month highlight reel in this area, who has concluded that racism is defined by noticing race and who quite possibly isnโt aware of how the n-word was used before it was reclaimed by (some) black people would argue that โitโs racist if blacks can use the word and she cannot.โ
Infuriatingly oversimplified? Yes. Kind of dumb? Absolutely. Missing key information? Check. But, alas, thatโs sort of how we do a lot of our discussions of race in 2014, isnโt it? (See the comments section of any online article containing the words โAfrican Americanโ for some examples.)
I doubt your stepdaughter is a terrible person or even a person who actively dislikes black people. Rather, sheโs the product of a society thatโs largely racially illiterate and often racially avoidant. Of course she doesnโt want to โtake responsibilityโ for what she posted. Why would she think she had to? When it comes to offendingโor actually harmingโblack people, who does? Not celebrities, not politicians, not NBA owners and certainly not everyday Americans.
My guess is that many adults, like this 17-year-old, are stuck somewhere between stages 1 and 3 of what people who study these things callย โracial identity development,โ having not yet had โa catalyst for self-examinationโ or a reason to contemplate the privileges that being white has offered them.
So let me throw this out here: Donโt take it personally. And maybe, even feel sorry for her.
Thatโs not to say you and your kids shouldnโt still feel empowered to tell her exactly and clearly how her actions make you and them feel, to block her on social media to avoid posts that offend you, and to limit conversations with her in the same way you would with anyone who explicitly said she doesnโt care about offending you. You should.
But your stepdaughter is still a kidโone whoโs been deprived of the racial-literacy toolbox she needs to do better. Sheโs evidently been neglected in this area by her school, community and parents. Just like a child who didnโt learn manners or hygiene or decent conflict resolution, sheโs repulsive to be around, but in a way thatโs largely explained by things that were lacking in her upbringing.
The bad news, of course, is that youโre married to one of those parents who contributed to her ignorance.
Although it doesnโt sound like your husband is the custodial parentโand maybe he never has beenโsheโs still his daughter. He should be as alarmed about this behavior as he would be if she were bullying or stealing or doing anything else that harmed others while having potentially negative consequences for her. Tell him that. Tap into his hopes and dreams for her. If it helps, remind him thatย not only isย a lack of social awareness of the type sheโs demonstrating associated with poor cognition (pdf), but sheโs about to be 18, which means that one of these out-of-bounds comments or Facebook posts could easily earn public scrutiny or even derail her education or career.
Encourage him to raise his expectations of her and not write her off as a lost cause or too young to understand. There are plenty of teens, like the members of groups like Youth Undoing Institutional Racism, who are more sophisticated than most adults in this area. Now is the perfect time to work on giving her the information she deserves and to give her every possible opportunity to change her current outlook before dismissing the experiences of people who are different becomes a permanent character trait.
Hopefully heโll listenโand not just because, as suggested in your letter, you and your kids are black. Rather, he should be as troubled by his daughterโs actions as you are because he cares about what kind of soon-to-be-18-year-old heโs going to send out into the world. He needs to start initiating frank conversations with her nowโand there are plenty of resources available to help him do so, not the least of which is your input.
If he resists, your main worry should not be your stepdaughterโs offensive antics but the possibility of being married to someone for whom basic compassion and decency arenโt family values.
Jenรฉe Desmond-Harris, The Rootโs associate editor of features, covers the intersection of race with news, politics and culture. She wants to talk about the complicated ways in which ethnicity, color and identity arise in your personal lifeโand provide perspective on the ethics and etiquette surrounding race in a changing America. Follow her on Twitter.
Need race-related advice? Send your questions to [email protected].
Previously in Race Manners: โIt's Not Crazy for African-American World Cup Fans to Root for Ghanaโ
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