Photo: Win McNamee (Getty Images)

Melania Trump’s kidney wanted out of the White House so badly, it became a problem that sent her to the hospital. The first lady’s kidney had reportedly grown tired of the president’s eating habits and his penchant for early-morning Twitter rants. The kidney turned on Melania faster than ABC did Roseanne.

The last time Melania Trump was seen alive and well was in the early-morning hours of May 10, when her husband, President ChiChi von FuckThisGuy, welcomed home three American hostages from North Korea. Four days later she checked into Walter Reed National Military Medical Center for “an embolization procedure to treat a benign kidney condition” (read: kidney escape) and has not been seen since.

A few days later Melania, or “Melanie,” as the president likes to call her, tweeted that she was doing well.

It’s been 20 days since the public last saw Melania Trump. Not that anyone really cares about her, but it would be nice to know that “Ofdonald” isn’t just a hologram from a window in the White House.

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Conspiracy theories really got going when the first lady reportedly switched her Twitter location from Washington, D.C., to New York.

Here’s how Inquisitr breaks it all down:

The Slovenia native’s preference for New York City has been no secret. Following her husband’s inauguration on January 20, 2017, Melania and her then 11-year-old son with Trump, Barron, waited nearly five months before making the move from their Trump Tower apartment to the White House.

As spotted by the popular anti-Trump Twitter commentator “Tea Pain,” Melania Trump recently switched the location status on her personal Twitter account to “New York City.”

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Melania Trump signed up to be the woman married to the old man so that she could spend his money freely and get her family here without having to undergo any of the ridiculously stringent rigors that actual immigrants whose family member didn’t marry into money face.

While she has been complicit in her husband’s brand of hate, she didn’t sign up to be the first lady. Rumors already abound that President FuckStick von GlowFace and his wife have separate bedrooms, so would it really be a big deal if she decided to leave Washington?

Melania Trump’s spokeswoman Stephanie Grisham assured CNN that the first lady is fine and well and chained to a bedroom in the West Wing basement where she is being given Ensure intravenously and allowed to use a phone only to call the president.

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“Sadly, we deal with conspiracy theories all the time—so this is nothing new, just more silly nonsense,” said Grisham, brushing off a rumor making the rounds that Trump has moved back to New York City, CNN reports.

The problem with Grisham’s statement is that this White House has told more demonstrative falsehoods than any other administration (I have no way of proving this, but I’m sure it’s true). Until we see Melania back to her old captive self, avoiding her husband’s hand like old times, we can all assume that something is up.

#BeBest