So I guess the next 65 days of this presidency are going to look a lot like the final days of high school right before the summer. You know that time where you figure the damage has been done, the grades are already in and teachers have become more glorified babysitters than educators. That’s what the White House has become.
On Sunday, following the Million MAGA March (which really turned out to be the MAGA thousand march) in Washington, D.C., on Saturday, the president decided to take his onion-shaped ass to the golf course, where he’s spent 287 days—almost a full year of his time in office. His golf outings have reportedly cost taxpayers some $142,000,000 and he doesn’t give a shit. He doesn’t care that the coronavirus is on the rise again or that unemployment numbers continue to rise, or that there still is no stimulus package. Who cares about this when there is golf to be played and an election to lie about?
Speaking of lying about an election, the next section will be written as fiction because Trump is boring AF, and so is his continued narcissism, which, somehow, his sycophants believe is patriotism.
Right before midnight Sunday evening, the president got out of his sleeping coffin, walked past the room where Melania was supposed to be sleeping, and he didn’t notice that she wasn’t there and was most likely at her boyfriend’s house. He walked past the dog cage where South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham was sleeping and into the room where he keeps his collection of MAGA hats, goat’s blood and his prized Mason jars filled with GOP congress members’ balls. He walked to the presidential lockbox and was shocked to see that it wasn’t locked. He didn’t have time to praise Satan; he had work to do. He ran to the presidential toilet and bolted the door shut behind him. He then tweeted three words he knew to be false: “I WON THE ELECTION!”
He closed his phone and held it tight to his chest where his heart would be if he were alive and then ran giddily like a schoolgirl back to the lockbox to put his phone away and floated back to his sleeping coffin knowing that morning would be here soon.
The Oval Office would be abuzz Monday morning with the president’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, and other aides all trying to figure out who was in control of the president’s phone, and why it wasn’t inside Lindsey Graham’s butt where it should’ve been? For days, the aides had been ignoring the president’s lockbox, believing that he might have the code and instead, began placing it in the sleeping senator’s butt.
Needless to say, the damage had been done. The president’s tweet didn’t endear himself to voters; it didn’t earn him love from the other side. In fact, he’d just lied again, and Twitter couldn’t move fast enough to slap a disclaimer on his tweet, noting that this “bullshit is false.”
Did the president’s tweet cause a stir on the side of the living? Of course it did. It bothered the living, also known as voters for Joe Biden, so much that “No you didn’t!” was trending through the night.
Kushner and the aides decided that it would be best if they didn’t tell the president the truth since that is what they’ve been doing the entirety of his presidency. It was part of the reason that the president, much like his chances of taking the 2020 election, still believed that he had hope and hope that the unwell might be all they need to keep them going.
According to Politico, Trump’s loss is going to make it harder for him to keep shielding his tax returns, and once President-elect Biden takes control over the Treasury Department, “his administration could simply hand over the long-sought records to its allies in Congress, who have been fighting in court to force Trump to turn them over, so far unsuccessfully.”
I thought a broke, lame-duck president said something?
But Politico believes that going after Trump’s taxes would be petty and that Biden has touted himself as a unifier in chief. I swear fo’ god if Biden doesn’t get this orange walrus’ tax returns after all the bullshit he put America through, then he shouldn’t be in office.
We aren’t the same America, Joe.
We want the petty!
Bring on the petty!
So Trump’s legal team, which includes Rudy Giuliani and therefore shouldn’t have the word “legal” anywhere near it, has been filing lawsuits and watching them get thrown in the trash, mostly because it’s fun and because there aren’t legally sound arguments based in fact. And because the president is a whiny ho who can’t handle losing. He’s a fucking loser, and you know what he hates? Being a fucking loser. But he is and has been the majority of his entire life.
So a lawsuit was filed in Pennsylvania claiming that “election officials violated the Trump campaign’s constitutional rights by limiting the ability of their observers to watch votes being counted,” according to the Washington Post.
Now his legal team has removed that part and is instead claiming that “Republicans were illegally disadvantaged because some Democratic-leaning counties allowed voters to fix errors on their mail ballots,” the Post notes.
The reality is, even if this were true, it didn’t affect enough votes to change Pennsylvania’s election results.
The change in the lawsuit means, in short, that Trump lost Pennsylvania.