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Green Privilege: Frontier Airlines Is Offering Free Flights to Passengers With ‘Green’ Last Names

Illustration for article titled Green Privilege: Frontier Airlines Is Offering Free Flights to Passengers With ‘Green’ Last Names
Photo: iStock

Looking to sneak away for a cheap, last-minute summer vacay? Looks like Frontier Airlines may have you covered—if your last name is “Green” or “Greene,” that is.

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The Colorado-based airline is giving away flights of up to $400 in value to promote its “Green Week,” CNN reports. The initiative is meant to draw attention to Frontier’s eco-friendliness.

It does come with certain caveats, of course. First, you have to book a domestic flight that leaves on Aug. 13. So, next Tuesday. Better start coughing and selling your coworkers on the idea that you caught a “summer flu” now. Second, your last name must legally be Greene or Green (and if you’re flying with spouses, kids, mamas, and cousins—their name must be Green too). Third, you do have to pay for your flight upfront; Frontier will then refund you the cost of your trip by Sept. 15. And if you’re buying roundtrip tickets, you must return by Aug. 20.

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Finally, you have to fly Frontier—the Megabus of the sky (not to be confused with Spirit Air, the Greyhound bus of the sky). Which, depending on where you’re going in the continental U.S., might be worth it? Where would our patron saint of summer, Megan Thee Stallion, fly to? (Trick question, she’d obviously drive a boat.)

As someone bitterly chained to the office next week (in Times Square, the former den of iniquity turned sweaty corporate ballsack of New York City), I wish my high-flying friends with Green/Greene privilege all the best. Truly!

Staff writer, The Root.

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DISCUSSION

honeybunche0fgoats
Honeybunchesofgoats

Frontier is... fine. It goes from A-to-B without crashing. The real hell is its passengers, who tend to be a special kind of white trash. For my last round trip to Philadelphia with them, I had the pleasure of first sitting behind some guy who apparently just got some kind of STD results (“I can’t fucking believe it, I don’t even want to call those whores and tell them, fucking whores.”). Then on the way back was a woman and three of the worst behaved children I’ve ever seen in my life. The oldest one, about eight, unbuckled during taxiing to get up and cross the aisle to punch his toddler brother in the face, unprovoked. I put him down for an assault/manslaughter charge by 17. Then the middle, about six, would scream if he didn’t have banal children’s TV to watch on his iPad. Which would be fine, but apparently not a single one of these children had headphones. The flight attendant told the mother twice that the kids couldn’t blare TV during takeoff, but didn’t bother trying a third time, or again for the rest of the flight.

Then after we landed, some dipshit middle aged guy two rows up asked the mother to grab his clearly oversized carryon, which she proceeded to grab with one hand. Even though I had spent the last two hours fantasizing about what it would be like to pull the emergency exit in flight, I could tell what was going to happen next, and lunged to grab the bag. I missed and it went right in to the right into the eight year old’s face and knocked him into the aisle.

That actually made me feel good about myself, because if you had asked me at any point during that flight if I wanted to see that kid get smashed in the face, I wouldn’t have hesitated to say yes, but actually seeing it made me realize that children getting hurt is not enjoyable, even if they’re garbage.

The kid didn’t say a word, which made me both concerned for his home life and for his future victims. The guy just wordlessly took his bag while the kid was laying in the aisle and exited the plane.

That is every flight on Frontier. But there fares are still about $60, so whatever.