From Now On, I Only Want My News and Weather From Cardi B

Rapper Cardi B accepts the award for Hustler of the Year  during the BET Hip Hop Awards on Oct. 6, 2017, in Miami Beach, Fla. (Gustavo Caballero/Getty Images)
Rapper Cardi B accepts the award for Hustler of the Year during the BET Hip Hop Awards on Oct. 6, 2017, in Miami Beach, Fla. (Gustavo Caballero/Getty Images)

If you’re like me, you can’t stand how the mainstream news has devolved into a series of 45-second “hot takes.” “Unfair and mentally imbalanced” Fox News might as well rename itself the Orange News Network because it is basically a 24-hour cycle of spray-tanned white people high on hair gel fellating Donald Trump.


So I’m proposing a new network featuring our crazy cousin from New York City’s Bronx borough breaking down the news of the day. The Cardi B News Channel (CBNC) would be the only outlet that delivered current events straight with no chaser.

I know you’re thinking, “What the hell does Cardi B know?” Answer this question: Who has more credibility—the beachball-sized head of Sean Hannity or the woman who wrote “Bodak Yellow”? How many No. 1 Billboard hits has Martha MacCallum made? I’ll give you a hint: the same number I have.


Still don’t think it could work? Well, listen to Queen Cardi break down international geopolitics while discussing the situation in Libya:

Does your favorite pundit sing her own theme song and announce that she’s going to “say sunt-in”? I love Rachel Maddow, but even with her fancy degree from Stanford University in public policy, Maddow has never explained why “the United Nation never mind their fucking business” like Cardi B. And Maddow is a Rhodes scholar! Cardi B, on the other hand, eschewed an academic curriculum because she planned for a career as “a boss, not a worker.”

To be fair, Maddow is one of the few reporters to talk about the African slave trade in Libya. But unlike Cardi B, Maddow failed to tie it in with Muammar Qaddafi, or, as Cardi describes him, “the nigga that was running Libya.”

Cardi B bravely acknowledges that she might be killed for explaining how it’s convenient for the other U.N. countries to disregard a humanitarian crisis so they can take advantage of Libya’s resources. She eloquently characterizes the situation as “a lotta fuck shit going on.”


But who would do the weather report?

Cardi B, of course.

Cardi B would skip all the nonsense about cold fronts and barometric pressure to give the most necessary information. The average viewer doesn’t care about cloud cover or average humidity. They want to know what shoes they can wear outside. Cardi B has you covered!

“It’s too brick city outside” is an actual temperature. There’s Fahrenheit, Celsius, Kelvin and then the Cardi B scale.


Get your thermometer game up, homes.

The rapper will also offer sports analysis every evening at 11:38 (scheduled for 11:30, but Cardi be late sometimes).

Other shows on the network will include a fashion show that features “’spensive shoes” and a financial-information program called Money Moves.


The Cardi B News Channel will be available in barbershops, beauty salons and weed spots everywhere on Feb. 30, 2018.

Check your local listings.

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.


GinAndTonic, Potential Grizzly

Between Cardi B and Fox News, you’re damn right I’m going to pick Cardi B every time.