If you’ve ever wondered why Donald Trump’s skin looks like a piece of Goldfish cracker-flavored beef jerky, it might be because he’s been sleeping on sperm-flavored pillowcases moistened with an assortment of random booty juices.
Also, there might be a murderer working at one of Trump’s businesses.
I’m not accusing anyone of a crime. It’s a known fact that people who don’t use washcloths will kill you. It’s true. According to my research (which is mostly watching cop shows and episodes of Snapped), I believe that most mass murderers and serial killers have similar characteristics:
- They’re white: According to researchers of serial killers and mass shooters these perpetrators are white and male.
- They don’t complete tasks: Which is why someone always finds a body in the woods covered by leaves or—even worse—in a shallow grave. I know grave digging is the most tedious part of getting away with murder but, trust me, depth is a very important part of a grave. That’s why I set aside one hour every month to go to my secret location and dig an adequate grave. I’m not a killer but…just in case.
- They don’t have supplies: I hate when the police catch the killers on surveillance video or find a receipt of the murderer buying shovels, cleaning fluid and tarp. Guys, if you only take one piece of advice today, it’s to always pay cash for tarp. In fact, just go buy some tarp now and just keep it around even if you don’t plan on killing anyone. For some reason, tarp is one of the main ingredients of a murder plot.
- They don’t clean up properly: Seriously, murderers make the worst maids. Seventy-nine percent of killers on TV are caught because they didn’t clean all of the blood droplets. When the CSI Cleveland team brings that luminol out, you know it’s over. I’ve never seen cops spray luminol and find nothing. I can’t imagine getting a life sentence because I was trying to save some Fabuloso for later.
There’s an ancient African proverb that my grandmother taught me during a family reunion when she refused to stay in a hotel that didn’t have washcloths and only offered body wash:
“If they don’t wash their legs, they won’t clean their beds.”
Apparently, the employees at Donald Trump’s signature hotel don’t bother to wash below their waistline because a recent expose revealed that the rooms at the Trump International Hotel might be the only place nastier than Mar-a-Lago’s kitchen (Trump rallies don’t count).
On Monday, Inside Edition aired a segment featuring an investigation testing the cleaning quality of three Midtown Manhattan hotels —Hyatt Place Times Square, the Hampton Inn Times Square and the Trump International Hotel. The purpose of the “sting” operation (you know they have to be dramatic) was to see if hotels were cleaning their rooms adequately to prevent the spread of the coronavirus.
The test was simple. Producers from the show booked a room at a hotel and used a washable spray to paint the show’s logo on the bedsheets, towels and pillowcases. They also painted the remote control, desk and thermostat with a gel paint. Both the spray and the gel paint were invisible to the naked eye but were visible under an ultraviolet light like the luminol light or the light owned by all heavy marijuana users. (Seriously, anyone who owns a UV light is either an undercover cop or a weedhead.)
The producers then messed up the bed to make it look like it had been slept in. Then they checked out, came back to each hotel a day later and booked the same room again, using the UV light to see what had (and hadn’t) been cleaned.
Neither the Hampton Inn nor the Hyatt even changed the sheets or wiped down the remote control or the thermostat, which, according to my grandmother, probably means that there are a lot of potential serial killers working at these hotels. The Trump International, whose bargain-basement $600-per-night rooms overlook Central Park, fared a little bit better, although not a lot better. Basically, they didn’t just kick leaves over the dead body but the grave they dug was pretty shallow.
Inside Edition reports:
The room came with a card that said the hotel is taking special care to make sure that the rooms are immaculate. They also provided guests with a PPE “welcome kit” with some cleaning supplies and a mask.
But when Inside Edition returned to the same room under a different name, producers found that while the sheets and bathroom towel had been changed, the pillowcase had not – the Inside Edition logo still shining. The counter area above the minibar and the remote control also had not been wiped between guests.
When a manager arrived after she was called up to the room, she saw the cameras and walked away.
The pillows, bruh? Y’all not changing the pillows?
I’m sure it’s triggering just knowing that you may have laid your head on the unwashed wet spot where Stormy Daniels slapped Trump’s butt with a rolled-up magazine. What if a white lady left her hair on the pillow? I bet there’s a black dude right who just returned from a business trip and has to explain to his girl that he doesn’t know where that blonde hair came from and he “don’t even like white girls like that.”
And what if the person who had the room before you “slobbed” in their sleep and you couldn’t figure out why your cheeks now have bad breath? I don’t know why, but I had to brush my teeth twice while I was reading this article.
Now, I have never worked in the hospitality industry so I’m not sure how the management hierarchy is configured but I would damn near bet Donald Trump himself wrote this response letter from Trump International Hotel and Coronavirus Spa.
“Following an internal review, we have concluded that the claims made by Inside Edition are categorically false,” said the statement to Inside Edition. “Trump International Hotel & Tower New York is one of the premier luxury hotels anywhere in the world and has received countless accolades, including the Forbes Five-Star award for the past 13 years, for its consistently impeccable service.”
Yeah, he wrote that shit.
Anyway, if you’re plotting someone’s demise and your gravedigging-diligence or your blood-splatter consciousness isn’t where it needs to be, why not just book your victim a room at the Trump International Germatoriaum and Cesspool and wait for them to catch CoronebolaSars19? I can only imagine what kind of bodily fluids someone would find if they did a swab test on those rooms. I bet the only reason they’re diligent about cleaning the sheets is because of Eric Trump.
Oh, come on! Y’all know Eric pees the bed.
I bet he has a shitload of tarp...
And not “nann” washcloth.