Illustration for article titled emFox  Friends/em to Trump: Please Wear a Mask Over Your Anus-Like Mouth (I’m Paraphrasing a Bit)
Photo: Tasos Katopodis (Getty Images)

The shadow president known to the American public as Fox News is getting tired of Trump’s shit and has asked, practically begged, the president of people who fry snacks to wear a goddamn mask over his anus-shaped pie hole because he’d be modeling good practices and would stop being such a dick.

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“I think that if the president wore one, it would just set a good example. He’d be a good role model. I don’t see any downside to the president wearing a mask in public,” Steve Doocy said Tuesday on Fox & Friends during an interview with Ronna McDaniel, chair of the Republican National Committee, Politico reports.

Doocy–OK, WTF kind of last name is Doocy?–said that the president’s MAGA slogan should stand for Stop Being a Cold Bitch and Wear a Mask “Masks Are Great Again.” See, what he did there? Ha. White Humor. Knee slapper.

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“Let me give you some marketing advice right there,” Doocy told McDaniel, before punching his own self in the goddamn face for being such a loser. Fine, he didn’t punch himself but he should have.

From Politico:

The appeal from Doocy, whom Trump has reportedly ranked as a 12 on a 1-to-10 loyalty scale of Fox News correspondents, came just hours after another of the network’s stars Sean Hannity offered an endorsement of mask-wearing on his nightly prime-time program.

“I was in the epicenter of this. I went to my grocery store every week. Guess what? They wore masks. Nobody at my grocery store, thank God, got coronavirus,” Hannity, a close ally of the White House and confidant of the president’s, said Monday.

“I think they work,” he continued. “And I said — especially if I wear a mask and it opens up baseball, concerts, NFL football — I’d rather wear the mask and go to the game to protect Grandma, Grandpa, Mom and Dad and watch the ballgame.”

That’s funny, considering that Fox News was ready to kill off grandma and grandpa if it meant opening up the economy again.

Elected Republicans like Vice President Mike Pence, who may or may not be a sexless robot (prove me wrong) and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (he with the neck of a tube sock that has lost its elasticity) have asked Americans (and by Americans I mean Trump supporters, because the rest of us have been wearing masks) to start covering their oval dog whistles with masks if they can’t social distance, which is a break from the president, who still insists on politicizing masks by not wearing one.

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Trump’s entire campaign was fashioned on being a dick, so it’s fitting that he won’t stop now. Politico notes that he even mocked “a reporter who wore a mask during a White House news conference last month,” because nothing says “adult in the room” like mocking someone who is following the Centers for Disease Control’s guidelines to prevent contracting and or spreading an illness during a pandemic.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

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