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I should have known Kellyanne Conway couldn’t be trusted when it became all too apparent that she couldn’t be bothered to place trust in a comb before appearing on national television.

If that sounds cruel to you, to quote my spiritual adviser, Beyoncé, “I ain’t sorry,” so don’t anticipate any Anita Baker-grade apology from me. It’s high time that Conway was taken to task about her hair, which often looks like her boss Tropicana Jong-il’s hair. If I can make fun of that heap of elderly golden retriever hair that sits atop his head, I reserve the right to speak on No Comb Conway.


That aside, Conway ought to be taken to task for other things—namely, how much she has in common with her boss.

Much like the madman she helped place in the White House, Conway has only a superficial commitment to her principles. This is a woman who routinely appeared on television in the 1990s to complain about the behavior of former President Bill Clinton while her husband, George T. Conway III, reportedly “played a historic—and largely hidden—role in the impeachment of Bill Clinton.”

So she doesn’t like working with men who don’t respect women, although she seems to have no problems working with President Grab ’Em by the Pussy. Then again, her working alongside 45 shouldn’t be too surprising given that she got a head start working with terrible, sexist men like Todd Akin.

“I’ve been in a very male-dominated business for decades,” she told the New Yorker last fall. “I found, particularly early on, that there’s plenty of room for passion, but there’s very little room for emotion ... I tell people all the time, ‘Don’t be fooled, because I am a man by day.’”


What is the gender equivalent of “All my skinfolk ain’t kinfolk”?

Other visible traces of gross hypocrisy can be found in her previous support of comprehensive immigration reform and legal status for undocumented workers. According to CNN, in 2014 Conway co-authored a memo for a pro-immigration group that outlined the benefits to providing a pathway to citizenship for nearly 11 million undocumented workers. Now she’s the headmistress of propaganda for the Fried-Cheese Führer who has decided to make good on his promise to build that stupid wall along the Mexican border.


Another thing that makes Conway the Tamera to 45’s Tia is the shared trait of being a fame whore.

Maybe this video of the artist formerly known as Kellyanne Fitzpatrick doing a stand-up routine at a charity event would be more amusing if it didn’t come coupled with the realization that this eagerness for self-deprecation and debasement displayed here explains why she appears to never turn down the opportunity to appear on television. After Ted Cruz’s campaign crashed and burned, Conway found in Tropicana Jong-il her ticket to the sort of stardom she so clearly sought for much of her career.


That, most of all, is what is most grating about Conway. There is an overwhelming stench of sociopathy that reeks every single time she opens her mouth on television. For some, the final straw was Conway’s use of the ridiculous phrase “alternative facts” during a recent appearance on Meet the Press. For those less masochistic, we’ve been over this woman because she’s long shown herself to be a lying-ass liar.

With respect to the new president, he is a stupid old man who has an addiction to conspiracy theories. If the 1 percent had a village, he would be their idiot. The lies he feeds us are likely the same lies he feeds himself in order to deal with his own fragile ego and deep-seated insecurities; it’s a coping mechanism for megalomaniacs.


Conway is different, though. Anyone who can shift from critique to co-conspirator so hastily is telling you exactly who she is. For her, putting the truth in a NutriBullet week after week on television means nothing other than more airtime. It may make her shrewd, and it may make her more popular, but it also makes her a waste of human breath.

Some have called on the media to stop booking Conway in light of her commitment to deceit, but it is hard to place much faith in media execs to tell their talent bookers to lay off on her until she starts swimming into “alternative facts” that aren’t flat-out lies. Again, Conway, like her boss, is behaving the same way she did during the campaign. Doing the right thing should not be an exhaustive task, yet too many struggle with such action.


So we seem to be stuck with her—her lies, her distortions and her smug little smirk as she disingenuously addresses any and all questions. I hate her. I hate it all.

Michael Arceneaux is the author of "I Can't Date Jesus," which will be released July 24, 2018 by Atria Books/Simon & Schuster, but go ahead and pre-order it now.

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