Stephen Colbert has a bingo card to play during the Republican National Convention. But for women and people of color watching this year’s RNC, it’s going to be a long, hard slog with more than a few cringe-inducing and drink-worthy moments.
Ways to survive the madness:
Take a sip …
- every time anyone says, “Barack HUSSEIN Obama,” in ALL CAPS;
- every time someone says the words “race card,” “women card,” “pantsuit” or “lady parts”;
- if you can see the whites of Ben Carson’s eyes;
- every time someone says “Chicago” or “black-on-black crime;
- anytime anyone says the word “Islam” vaguely ominously, like “Voldemort”;
- anyone says “All Lives Matter”;
- every time a Donald Trump surrogate goes on TV and says, “What Mr. Trump meant to say was … ”
Take one shot every time …
- someone royally screws up the pronunciation of a foreign country (i.e., Ubeki-beki-beki-stan-stan) …
- … or, for that matter, any non-English word;
- someone whose English isn’t very good says immigrants need to “learn English”;
- someone says black unemployment is President Obama’s fault;
- every time Rudy Giuliani says “9/11”;
- anyone who didn’t serve in the military calls John McCain a coward.
Take two shots if …
- any people who supported the North Carolina LGBT bathroom bill say they “#StandWithOrlando”;
- after a congresswoman speaks, Trump asks her if she’ll also be participating in the swimsuit section of the evening;
- someone calls putting Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill “playing identity politics!”;
- if people who’ve had their photo taken with Sheriff Joe Arpaio or any member of the cast of Duck Dynasty talk about “minority outreach”;
- someone walks out to intro music by a black artist, then proceeds to criticize #BlackLivesMatter;
- Clint Eastwood talks to an empty pantsuit;
- Trump says that since orange is a color, he too, is a “person of color”;
- someone wearing a Confederate flag calls something “un-American”;
- Trump says “2 Corinthians.”
Pour one out for the homies if …
- Stacey Dash, Herman Cain and Omarosa are made to wear shirts that say, “African-American No. 1 … No. 2 … No. 3 … ”;
- Ben Carson trips on something while walking with his eyes closed.
Chug if …
- someone calls Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas” or does offensive imitation Indian chants;
- Allen West fires up the crowd with, “Get your musket! Fetch your bayonet!”;
- you spot in the crowd someone wearing a “Blacks/Hispanics/Asians, etc. for Trump” T-shirt, hat, sign, button, etc.; or …
- … a fully costumed Civil War re-enactor;
- someone brings up “Michelle Obama” and “broccoli,” and the audience boos broccoli and the first lady.
Take three shots if …
- a hot mic overhears an adviser whispering to Trump, “Actually, sir, I think they prefer to be called ‘colored.’”
Pop a cork if …
- someone you didn’t want in the country anyway threatens to leave America if Trump doesn’t win the election.
Take a champagne shower if …
- TV cameras pan to Newt Gingrich every time any speaker says the words “sanctity of marriage”;
- when any speaker calls pornography a “public health crisis,” cable networks put Melania Trump’s magazine covers on the screen.
Finish your drink if …
- anyone quotes the Bible, right after calling for the military to torture people.
Kill a whole bottle if …
- Trump points out a black delegate and yells, “There’s my African American! We will begin the bidding at … ”
Charles Badger is a Republican political strategist who served as coalitions director for Gov. Jeb Bush’s 2016 campaign.