Florida Woman Charged for Threatening to Shoot FBI Agents Investigating Her for Possible Capitol Riot Participation

Illustration for article titled Florida Woman Charged for Threatening to Shoot FBI Agents Investigating Her for Possible Capitol Riot Participation
Screenshot: South Florida Sun-Sentinel

Man...I really thought we were done with this Capitol riot shit.

I mean, I understand that the FBI is still investigating and rounding up possible participants in the Jan. 6, whiney wypipo war on non-Republican votes, but I didn’t think I would still be reporting on crazy Caucasians who insist on outing themselves on social media as domestic terrorists well over a month later.

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Anyway, the latest contestant on The Price of Your Stupidity is Right is a woman from Boca Raton, Fla., who was recently arrested over videos she posted to social media threatening to shoot FBI agents who contacted her about her “visit to D.C.” and possible participation in the riot.

The Daily Beast reports that 58-year-old Suzanne Kaye posted the first video, captioned, “Fuck the FBI,” to Facebook on Jan 31. The video doesn’t appear to be available on her page currently, but the fine folks at South Florida Sun-Sentinel took the liberty of publishing it.

She also repeated everything she said in the video in a second video posted to TikTok. For some reason, the TikTok video had a cover version of The Police’s “Every Breath You Take” playing in the background. (Yes, I know that joke pretty much writes itself.)

“Hi, all my TikTok patriot friends. Gotta have a drink,” Kaye said before taking a swig from the bottle of Jack Daniels Tennessee Fire she is seen holding in both videos. “Just got a call from the FBI and they want to come talk to me about my visit to D.C. on January 6th. I told them you can’t come and talk to me unless I have counsel, and being that I can’t afford counsel, you’ll have to arrest me so I can use my right of counsel.”

You can tell white women never really expect to be arrested for easily arrestable offenses because Kaye-is-for-Karen basically said, “O-Kaye, come arrest be, FBI bitches” with her whole chest like they wouldn’t snatch her ass up like they were her and she was the last bottle of whiskey on the shelf. (What I’m saying is that Misses O-Kaye-give-me-one-more-shot probably drinks a lot.)

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“You think I’m gonna let you come fucking talk to me?” she continued. “You’re out your mother fucking mind, bro. That’s not gonna happen. I’m a fucking patriot, and I exercise my First Amendment right, my freedom of speech, and my Second Amendment right to shoot your fucking ass if you come here.”

I admittedly am no constitutional scholar, but I’m pretty sure Misses O-Kaye-I-don’t-know-who-this-Jack-Daniels-is-but-I’d-fuck-him doesn’t know what she’s talking about. She sure kept on saying it, though.

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“I know my fucking rights,” she said while not really knowing her fucking rights. “My Second Amendment right to carry a gun to shoot your fucking ass if you come to my house. So fuck you, fuck you following me, I don’t care. I’m glad you know who I am, mother fucker.”

So, the authorities called her stupid-ass bluff and now she’s charged with interstate communication of a threat, according to the criminal complaint filed Monday.

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It’s unclear if Kaye was actually involved in the riot in D.C., and she doesn’t appear to have been charged with anything related to the attempted coup, but she sure did let her mouth filled with caucasity and alcohol get her in trouble.

God, these people are dumb.

Zack Linly is a poet, performer, freelance writer, blogger and grown man lover of cartoons

DISCUSSION

We don’t need domestic terrorism laws. She is a racketeer, an insurrectionist and a traitor. Use the laws on the books and she will spend the rest of her misspent life in a federal prison.

Lock them all up.